Saturday, December 19, 2020



Here is my annual Xmas Poem. Apologies for he quality of the sound from my computer! Enjoy, and Happy Whatever!

The Escape Before Xmas (as told by Melania Trump)

T’was almost fucking Christmas and at the White House

I was living in hell because of my spouse

The loser still thinks he can steal the election

As much chance of that as he gets an erection

He went on Fox & Friends so that he could vent

While I banged a hot secret service agent

I had to get out, I was making a plan

To get myself rid of that fat rancid yam

And now off to Canada I plan to go

I’m going to get me some Justin Trudeau!

I was packing my bags full of expensive clothes

There was no way i could go on without those

Dresses from every famous designer

After I ditched that stupid fat whiner

In Hermes, Givenchys and Christian Diors

And Gucci and Lauren and Micheal Kors

When from the Rose Garden I heard a hubbub

I thought maybe Donald fell in a shrub

But there in the yard was a stupid red sled

With a bunch of gross critters I hoped were all dead

And a man with a beard who was fatter than Don

And you wouldn’t believe the suit he had on

With red pants, red coat and red stocking cap

He must shop at Walmart for this kind of crap

But it’s near fucking christmas so I knew real quick

This bastard must be that fat fuck St. Nick

He crashed through the door and fell on his rump

Looked up and said “Hello Mrs. Trump”

“Nice Suit” I told Santa “And who trims your beard?

It’ looks like Don’s hair, it’s so fucking weird”

“Wow”, he replied, as his nose gave a twitch

“I see why everyone says you’re a bitch!

You got by all your life because of your looks

And now you’re surrounded by nothing but crooks”

I wasn’t about to take shit from this guy

I called Secret Service but got no reply

“Shut up” I told the fat man on the floor

“You can’t talk to me like someone who’s poor

I’m the first lady, I have no master

I wear Jimmy Choo’s to a natural disaster”

The fat guy just scowled then gave me a wink

“I’m Santa, and you’re not as rich as you think

Don’s got less money than he has class

The scumbag’s  in debt up to his fat ass

With all the loans he will have to repay

You’ll end up back modeling lingerie

And I know how you really despise the orange man

I’ve seen you scowl when he goes for you hand

You act like the bastard really should thankya

But he’d rather be banging his daughter Ivanka

You married Schmuck a la orange cuz you thought he had billions

Then you end up in a tennis pavilion!”

That was all I could take, it was time to Be Best

I said “Have you come here to just be a pest?

I thought you’re supposed to spread holiday cheer?

But you’ve been an asshole since you got here 

If you have no gifts then off you should go

To see Stormy Daniels, that HO HO HO!”

“Oh I’ve got a gift” Santa said with a smile

“It’s one that you’ve wanted for quite a while

You want to get rid of your cheating man

And get hold of his money while you still can”

“Oh Santa” I said, “that cannot be real

To wed Cheetoman you must sign a deal

That gives you just enough money for life

When he says it’s time for a much younger wife”

Now Santa chuckled, then laughed really hard

Then reached in his pocket and pulled out a card

“Here’s the one gift to which you’ll say ‘Yup”

“It’s a lawyer who’ll get around your prenup!”

He threw it at me and then walked away

And stormed out the door and jumped in his sleigh

And Shouted “I don’t know now what you will do

But a Merry Fucking Christmas to you!”

Then said “Let’s roll” and reindeer did bound

And pulled the whole rig up off the ground

As it took off it made such a racket

I was reminded of my cheap Zara jacket

And I yelled out to Santa as off his sled flew

“ Hey Santa, I don’t really care, do you?”

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

The Man Who Turned Down the Sports Section!


This is a story I liked to tell to my Economics students. See if you can guess why.

In the 1980’s I worked for a small company that marketed credit cards for department stores, back in the day when every city had a few regional stores.  My office was in a one story building located on the corner of Sheridan and Elmwood in Kenmore, NY, a detail only important to the Buffalonians reading this. I liked to leave the office for lunch, and several had options within walking distance. One of the choices was one of the many good Greek restaurants you could find in the Buffalo area.

In the 80’s I was in a fantasy baseball league, or Rotisserie league, as they were known in those days.  This was pre-internet, of course, and in those primitive times the best daily sports information was to be found in USA Today, making it required reading for me at lunch every day. (As a side note to this, because of this habit, several times I returned to the office to inform my boss that one of our customers had filed for bankruptcy!).  Most days I happily enjoyed my lunch with the colorful national paper, and newsprint covering my hands. 

One day I walk into the Greek joint with the paper and take a seat at the counter a few seats away from an older man who smiles and says hello. He was eating alone, with no reading material,  a situation I still can’t imagine, so he was happy to chat about anything. We talked a bit about the usual stuff, then I got into the sports section. When I was done with it, I offered him the sports section, because that’s what guys do.  

“Thanks, but I can’t read” he replied. 

I tried not to let on how shocked I was. I guess I grew up in a very fortunate situation, because as far as I know that was the first person I had ever met who could not read. I didn’t think such a person existed in this country!  I could barely imagine it. I thought maybe he was kidding, but there was no indication that this was a joke.

My offer led to us talking a bit more. I have no recollection of how the conversation progressed to the point where he told me this:

“This morning I saw this guy in a wheelchair. I offered him a few bucks because I figured there was no way a guy like that could make a living.” 

Again, there was kind of a stunned silence on my part.  The man who couldn’t read thought the man in the wheelchair was handicapped? The man who couldn’t READ, thought the man in the wheelchair was handicapped! 

I pretty much let this drop at this point. But on the walk back to my office I thought about how I could easily do my job without functioning legs.  Hell, Stephen Hawking managed to succeed for years in his severely disabled state. 

At this point you might be able to figure out why I would speak of this in an Econ class. One of the things that separates rich countries from poor is called “Human Capital”, meaning the education and skill level of the people.  The correlation between literacy rates and GDP/person is as close to perfect as you can get.  So, I would ask the class, who was more disabled, my friend who couldn’t read, or the man in the wheelchair, assuming that man was literate. In fact, can you even imagine a job you could do today that didn’t require some minimal level or reading? This story was almost too perfect for teaching this, and I’m not sure my students didn’t think I made it up. I wish I was so clever. 

I wonder if my illiterate friend lived into the days of the internet and social media. If so, what a shame that his disability would have prevented him from enjoying the extreme pleasure of arguing with an idiot on social media!

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Xmas Poem: A Secular Xmas.

It's that time again. Solstice is coming. Everyone is finishing their gravity related shopping for Sir Isaac's birthday. And people will be trying to figure out exactly how the hell you spell Chaunnukah.  That means I have also recorded another of my inspirational Xmas Poems.  I hope you enjoy.

Xmas 2019 A Secular Xmas in text form.

For those of you who can't stand my voice, but hate my writing a little less, here is the text of my Xmas poem. Enjoy!


Twas the night before Xmas and I was kvetching
It’s that time of year when my values are stretching
I’d bought all these presents that I was to wrap
When I knew that this holiday was a bunch of crap
The halls had all been decked out with holly
To honor a story that was nothing but folly
There’d be joy and drinking and lots of mirth
Because of some nonsense about virgin birth.

Just as I was stuffing a secular stocking
I heard on my door a rather loud knocking
I opened the portal only to see
A fellow you’d not think would visit me
He had a white beard that looked really fine
And a gut that was even bigger than mine
And black boots on whose shine he didn’t skimp
And a red velvet suit like you’d see on a pimp
He stood in the doorway grinning a grin
And said “It’s cold out here, can I come in?”

I invited him in, and was amazed
When to my fridge a path he did blaze
And from it what did Santa pull out
But 2 tasty bottles of Left Hand Milk Stout
He popped off the caps and handed me one
Sat on the couch and said “What’s up son?”

“Well Santa” I said “I’m feeling some grief
About this season that’s based on a silly belief
The story of Xmas is surely not true
It makes far more sense to believe in you
For at least every Xmas you’re down at the mall
And unlike God, you’ve been seen by all
One would have to be mentally lazy
To believe a story that is so outright crazy
About mangers and wise men and stars in the sky
To dream that all up someone had to be high
And if Jesus existed he was surely not born
In a barn on December 25th morn”

But despite the way I give the season these knocks
You know I am stuck in this paradox
For while I am proud to be atheist
It would be awful if Xmas was missed
Cause I like this holiday, you can say that
The lights and the music and your red hat
And how people behave in a friendly way
And movies with Bing and Danny Kaye
Or a kid who wants a Red Rider gun
And opening presents surely is fun
I dig that Xmas song by Mel Torme
And even the one where apparel is gay
Yes, I can say it would please me to pieces
If we could have xmas without mentioning Jesus

Santa took a big gulp and let out a sigh
“Well I notice that many nice gifts you did buy
And although you are someone who does not believe
There’s reason for you to have fun Xmas eve
The Christians, you see, claimed if for their own
But long before that was a party in Rome
Called Saturnalia that went on for 8 days
And people behaved in quite crazy ways.
It was not cuz of Jesus, that is quite clear
But because of the shortest day of the year.”
So selling their bullshit was really the reason
Christians chose A Pagan Holiday to call Xmas season
 “That’s right” Santa said, “It was easy to do
They even had pine trees with lights on them too
Its not Jesus’ birthday , that’s sure as shootin’
But it is the birthday  of Sir Isaac Newton!
So now whenever you see a nice Xmas tree
Think of the guy who discovered gravity!”

Santa finished his beer and said “You’re not nuts
To deny xmas is fun you would be such a putz
Go ahead and relax and enjoy this fun season
And leave the religion to those who don’t reason
Let me leave you with this fore I hop in my sled
It’s a thought you should always keep in your head
You’ll hear it from me or the Easter Bunny
Religious holidays are all about money!”
He then gave me a chocolate wrapped up in gold
And just like that headed out in the cold.

And so ,Every Xmas, wherever you roam
You’ll encounter nice folks who don’t buy the tome
About Jesus and God and dudes who brought Myrrh
And Mary got pregnant but Joe didn’t schtupp her
They give gifts and watch videos of the Yule Log
Sing carols and laugh and drink Egg Nog
That this holiday is for everyone surely’s not news
The Christians, the Athiests, and even the Jews
Though my idea of Xmas you might find crass
At least I don’t have to attend midnight mass!


Thursday, December 20, 2018

2018 Xmas Poem, as read by Orson Wells

2018 Xmas Poem, for those who can read

A DAMP XMAS AT THE NORTH POLE (as told by Phineas J. Elf)

Twas the night before XMas, things are not looking good
As I cling desperately  to a small piece of wood
We’d worked all year long to make wonderful toys
So Santa could give them to good girls and boys
But now all the toys that we had created
Were floating around us, all saturated
The ice on which our workshop should be
Had melted this year and turned into a sea.
Now Santa has nothing to load in his sleigh
No toys to deliver on this Xmas day.

The weather was warmer than ever before
Because so many folks thought it wise to ignore
Warnings from scientists for so many years
That their behavior would soon lead to tears
They called it alarmist, they thought it funny
They thought it was stupid to spend any money
To keep the world temps from rising so high
That the glaciers would melt and the forests would fry
Now the oceans are rising and the pole ice is gone
But you won’t hear those assholes say they were wrong

Santa Claus was unworried, we all heard him laugh
As his wife floated by on a pink rubber raft
Enjoying the warmth in a yellow bikini
With a huge smile and a bigger martini
And then we saw something that was truly not neeto
When Santa appeared in his tiny red speedo
And over his suit flopped a great big hunk
Of his belly fat so you can’t see his junk
His red suit and hat he seemed happy to doff
So he could enjoy this Xmas off.
“Screw them!” he said “this must be what they wanted
When they ignored science and instead flaunted
Their big fancy cars that burned fossil fuels.
No Xmas for them, the dumb fucking tools.
If Those putzes like Trump are so in love with coal
Then I’ll just relax here at the North Pole”

That was all fine for Santa, he was afloat
He had his nice raft,and we’d built him a boat
But for us elves this was quite a jam
Because we are short and none of us swam
And the jobs on which for years we’ve depended
They were gone now, our lives were upended

“Hey fellas,’ said Santa” your work is completed
Without a North Pole, you’re no longer needed
So just float towards land and live out your days
From what you have saved in your 401Ks.
You won’t see me singing the holiday blues
I’m spending this Xmas on a Greek Island cruise
By the way, have you seen Rudolph around”
“No” I replied” all the reindeer have drowned”.

And so we’re afloat, with nowhere to go
Because there’s no polar ice, and no winter snow
We’ll have to make lives wherever we land
Maybe it will be LA and we can start a band
But one thing is certain, on thing is clear

You’ll have a hot Xmas and a sizzling New Year.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Xmas 2017: No Xmas This Year, (as told by Mr. S. Claus)

It's that happy time of year again, and what is more festive than my annual poem. So here it is. Enjoy, happy Whatever.

No Xmas This Year (as told by Mr. S. Claus)

Its the night before Xmas and all is quite grim
No reason to carol nor the tree to get trim
No purpose to hanging the stockings with care
Cuz there’s no chance that Santa will show up this year
No flying sleigh shall by Santa be mounted
My reindeer and I, I’m afraid, have been grounded.

There will be no Xmas, but I don’t blame myself
This problem all started with that loudmouth elf
You know the one, with that really cute tushy
Just the right combination of firmness and cushy
She was wearing a pair of those tight yoga pants
And while she worked she was doing a dance
Watching her move just brought me such bliss
What could I do? I couldn’t resist!
Over to her I went in a blink
Looked her in the eye, and gave her a wink
And said “Hey there elf Judy, you sure are cute
Would you like to see what’s beneath my red suit”
Then in a move that would cost me some cash
I undid my black belt and gave her a flash
And what I did next  was also quite dumb
I placed my jolly hand on her lovely bum.

For some reason Judy seemed less than amused
She told everybody that she’s been abused.
First she filed a complaint with  the North Pole HR
Then talked to a reporter from the Northern Lights Star
And Despite all my efforts to keep all this local
She got even madder, even more vocal
She hired a lawyer and got on TV
Blabbed to  60 minutes and MSNBC
She’d talk to a journalist from anywhere
Except Fox. I’m not a democrat so they dont care.
I knew it was they end, that I had no hope, yuh
When she sat on the couch for a long chat with Oprah!

Well, after that all hell broke loose
as every elf who I’d given the goose
Backed up her story by telling their own
Including that shiksa by whom I’d been blown
When I told her that she must succumb to my power
Or She’d be cleaning toilets in New York at Trump Tower.
And it wasn’t just elves, oh, no, no, no
But the mommies from under the mistletoe
Because it turned out that many were pissed
they thought it was their husbands who they had kissed.

The reaction was deep as the Buffalo snow
The cries came from all over  “Santa must go”
From Congress, from Hollywood, and late night TV
It seemed all the world had just turned on me
Folks who once loved my white beard and red  suit
Wanted nothing more now than to give me the boot.
People who loved me when they were young
Cursed St. Nick  and said that I should be hung.
(And I am! Ask elf Judy)

I gathered around the friends I still had
They all agreed, the situation was bad
And I knew it was over when good old Rudolph
Said I should give up, and just go play golf.
So after 3 glasses of my favorite red wine
I told Anderson Cooper that I would resign.

So, no Xmas this year. Santa’s been beaten.
The elves were laid off, the reindeer’ve been eaten
And as for me, I’ve got a new place
At a rehab resort for those in disgrace
Where I have a group session every day
With Franken and Weinstien and Louis CK
And Rose and Batali and Barton and Frank
And a few other schmucks who’ve showed of their crank.
Our daily sessions are what is in store
When we are joined shortly by Trump, Farenthold and Moore.
But each of us knows one day we’ll be back
Hey, that group session leader sure has a nice rack!

Uplifting as a Hallmark movie! Hope your 2018 is better than this shitty year!