For those of you who can't stand my voice, but hate my writing a little less, here is the text of my Xmas poem. Enjoy!
A SECULAR XMAS
Twas the night before Xmas and I was kvetching
It’s that time of year when my values
are stretching
I’d bought all these presents that I
was to wrap
When I knew that this holiday was a
bunch of crap
The halls had all been decked out with
holly
To honor a story that was nothing but
folly
There’d be joy and drinking and lots
of mirth
Because of some nonsense about virgin
birth.
Just as I was stuffing a secular
stocking
I heard on my door a rather loud
knocking
I opened the portal only to see
A fellow you’d not think would visit
me
He had a white beard that looked
really fine
And a gut that was even bigger than
mine
And black boots on whose shine he didn’t
skimp
And a red velvet suit like you’d see
on a pimp
He stood in the doorway grinning a
grin
And said “It’s cold out here, can I come in?”
I invited him in, and was amazed
When to my fridge a path he did blaze
And from it what did Santa pull out
But 2 tasty bottles of Left Hand Milk
Stout
He popped off the caps and handed me
one
Sat on the couch and said “What’s up
son?”
“Well Santa” I said “I’m feeling some
grief
About this season that’s based on a
silly belief
The story of Xmas is surely not true
It makes far more sense to believe in
you
For at least every Xmas you’re down
at the mall
And unlike God, you’ve been seen by
all
One would have to be mentally lazy
To believe a story that is so
outright crazy
About mangers and wise men and stars
in the sky
To dream that all up someone had to
be high
And if Jesus existed he was surely not
born
In a barn on December 25th
morn”
But despite the way I give the season
these knocks
You know I am stuck in this paradox
For while I am proud to be atheist
It would be awful if Xmas was missed
Cause I like this holiday, you can
say that
The lights and the music and your red
hat
And how people behave in a friendly
way
And movies with Bing and Danny Kaye
Or a kid who wants a Red Rider gun
And opening presents surely is fun
I dig that Xmas song by Mel Torme
And even the one where apparel is gay
Yes, I can say it would please me to
pieces
If we could have xmas without
mentioning Jesus
Santa took a big gulp and let out a
sigh
“Well I notice that many nice gifts
you did buy
And although you are someone who does
not believe
There’s reason for you to have fun
Xmas eve
The Christians, you see, claimed if
for their own
But long before that was a party in
Rome
Called Saturnalia that went on for 8
days
And people behaved in quite crazy
ways.
It was not cuz of Jesus, that is
quite clear
But because of the shortest day of
the year.”
So selling their bullshit was really
the reason
Christians chose A Pagan Holiday to
call Xmas season
“That’s right” Santa said, “It was easy to do
They even had pine trees with lights
on them too
Its not Jesus’ birthday , that’s sure
as shootin’
But it is the birthday of Sir Isaac Newton!
So now whenever you see a nice Xmas
tree
Think of the guy who discovered
gravity!”
Santa finished his beer and said
“You’re not nuts
To deny xmas is fun you would be such
a putz
Go ahead and relax and enjoy this fun
season
And leave the religion to those who
don’t reason
Let me leave you with this fore I hop
in my sled
It’s a thought you should always keep
in your head
You’ll hear it from me or the Easter
Bunny
Religious holidays are all about
money!”
He then gave me a chocolate wrapped
up in gold
And just like that headed out in the
cold.
And so ,Every Xmas, wherever you roam
You’ll encounter nice folks who don’t
buy the tome
About Jesus and God and dudes who
brought Myrrh
And Mary got pregnant but Joe didn’t
schtupp her
They give gifts and watch videos of
the Yule Log
Sing carols and laugh and drink Egg
Nog
That this holiday is for everyone
surely’s not news
The Christians, the Athiests, and
even the Jews
Though my idea of Xmas you might find
crass
At least I don’t have to attend
midnight mass!
MERRY WHATEVER AND HAPPY SOMETHING OR
OTHER!
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