Here is my annual Xmas Poem. Apologies for he quality of the sound from my computer! Enjoy, and Happy Whatever!
The Escape Before Xmas (as told by Melania Trump)
T’was almost fucking Christmas and at the White House
I was living in hell because of my spouse
The loser still thinks he can steal the election
As much chance of that as he gets an erection
He went on Fox & Friends so that he could vent
While I banged a hot secret service agent
I had to get out, I was making a plan
To get myself rid of that fat rancid yam
And now off to Canada I plan to go
I’m going to get me some Justin Trudeau!
I was packing my bags full of expensive clothes
There was no way i could go on without those
Dresses from every famous designer
After I ditched that stupid fat whiner
In Hermes, Givenchys and Christian Diors
And Gucci and Lauren and Micheal Kors
When from the Rose Garden I heard a hubbub
I thought maybe Donald fell in a shrub
But there in the yard was a stupid red sled
With a bunch of gross critters I hoped were all dead
And a man with a beard who was fatter than Don
And you wouldn’t believe the suit he had on
With red pants, red coat and red stocking cap
He must shop at Walmart for this kind of crap
But it’s near fucking christmas so I knew real quick
This bastard must be that fat fuck St. Nick
He crashed through the door and fell on his rump
Looked up and said “Hello Mrs. Trump”
“Nice Suit” I told Santa “And who trims your beard?
It’ looks like Don’s hair, it’s so fucking weird”
“Wow”, he replied, as his nose gave a twitch
“I see why everyone says you’re a bitch!
You got by all your life because of your looks
And now you’re surrounded by nothing but crooks”
I wasn’t about to take shit from this guy
I called Secret Service but got no reply
“Shut up” I told the fat man on the floor
“You can’t talk to me like someone who’s poor
I’m the first lady, I have no master
I wear Jimmy Choo’s to a natural disaster”
The fat guy just scowled then gave me a wink
“I’m Santa, and you’re not as rich as you think
Don’s got less money than he has class
The scumbag’s in debt up to his fat ass
With all the loans he will have to repay
You’ll end up back modeling lingerie
And I know how you really despise the orange man
I’ve seen you scowl when he goes for you hand
You act like the bastard really should thankya
But he’d rather be banging his daughter Ivanka
You married Schmuck a la orange cuz you thought he had billions
Then you end up in a tennis pavilion!”
That was all I could take, it was time to Be Best
I said “Have you come here to just be a pest?
I thought you’re supposed to spread holiday cheer?
But you’ve been an asshole since you got here
If you have no gifts then off you should go
To see Stormy Daniels, that HO HO HO!”
“Oh I’ve got a gift” Santa said with a smile
“It’s one that you’ve wanted for quite a while
You want to get rid of your cheating man
And get hold of his money while you still can”
“Oh Santa” I said, “that cannot be real
To wed Cheetoman you must sign a deal
That gives you just enough money for life
When he says it’s time for a much younger wife”
Now Santa chuckled, then laughed really hard
Then reached in his pocket and pulled out a card
“Here’s the one gift to which you’ll say ‘Yup”
“It’s a lawyer who’ll get around your prenup!”
He threw it at me and then walked away
And stormed out the door and jumped in his sleigh
And Shouted “I don’t know now what you will do
But a Merry Fucking Christmas to you!”
Then said “Let’s roll” and reindeer did bound
And pulled the whole rig up off the ground
As it took off it made such a racket
I was reminded of my cheap Zara jacket
And I yelled out to Santa as off his sled flew
“ Hey Santa, I don’t really care, do you?”
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