Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2015 Xmas Poem.

It's that time again! Time for another uplifting xmas story from the Charles Dickens of our generation....oh, wait, no, I wrote it. Well, I hope you enjoy, and that you have a great holiday season and a fantastic New Year!


Twas the night before Xmas and I was feeling filleted
In 8 days I would begin my 7th decade
Old age was upon me like a wicked curse
It was just about time to start dining at Furr’s
It seems so long since my eyes had a glint
Now it was time to buy books in large print
I used to go home with girls who looked nice
Now I bed down with a CPAP device
How did so much time just slip away?
I swear I was 30 just yesterday!

I was prone on the couch nursing my aching knee
Fighting the urge to get up and pee
When out on the patio I heard a loud thud
So loud that it sent a chill through my blood
I threw open the door to see what was the matter
Though I really wanted to empty my bladder
And who was there sitting in my rocking chair
But the bearded fat dude who comes round every year
I pulled up a chair so that I could sit
And said “Santa, again? I’m too old for this shit!

“Yes you are old” said Santa through his snowy beard
“At your age I guess it’s not Santa who’s feared”:
You don’t need the gifts that folks buy on a whim
You’re more concerned with the reaper so grim.
You no longer dream of the girls you could roger
You’re not much more than an ancient grave dodger
It is your mortality about which you most think
Now let me inside and get me a drink”.

We went into the house and I grabbed him a glass
while down on the couch he plopped his fat ass
He said “Come on, its Xmas, don’t look so sad”
As I poured him 2 fingers of  Old Grand Dad
He considered his drink with a look that was crappy
“You own 2 buses and you’re not drinking Pappy?
“Up Yours!” I told Santa, with no regret
“Better than milk and cookies, I would bet”

“Santa” I asked “ what brings you here?
I doubt that you brought any new toys this year
Stuff for the old is not one of your niches
The only sack that you have is the one in your britches”
The fat bastard grinned and adjusted his hat
How’d he live all these years, being that fat?
“You think I’m not sick of doing this job
Having to bring toys so kids will not sob
They sit on my lap and beg while they pee
Then leave sour milk and stale cookies for me
Doing that every Xmas totally sucks
I’m sick and tired of these little schmucks”

Hearing this I was shocked, it made my brain hazy
It was like Trump has said something not batshit crazy
Santa quitting was not a thought I could think
I bit my pot cookie and slurped down my drink
“Santa this is insane” I quickly objected
“Millions of  kids will be so dejected”
“So what” Santa said as he emptied his glass
“those little putzes can all kiss my ass!
I came by your house do see if you’d join me
Cuz that new Star Wars movie I’m itching to see
And to make sure we kill the holiday blues
We’ll get some Chinese, just like the Jews”

A heartwarming story, well, this is not it
For Santa and I, the movie we hit
We drank some more bourbon and ate some pot candy
And to feel even better we chased it with brandy
Then off to the theater we surely did go
And ate 3 tubs of popcorn while watching the show
Then we got some eggrolls and moo goo gai pan
And that was my Xmas with the jolly fat man.

That Xmas morning there were many sad faces
Where kids thought there’d by toys, there were just empty spaces
So the kids learned a lesson we all know to be true
Sometimes life will just crap on you!