Thursday, December 20, 2018

2018 Xmas Poem, as read by Orson Wells

2018 Xmas Poem, for those who can read



A DAMP XMAS AT THE NORTH POLE (as told by Phineas J. Elf)

Twas the night before XMas, things are not looking good
As I cling desperately  to a small piece of wood
We’d worked all year long to make wonderful toys
So Santa could give them to good girls and boys
But now all the toys that we had created
Were floating around us, all saturated
The ice on which our workshop should be
Had melted this year and turned into a sea.
Now Santa has nothing to load in his sleigh
No toys to deliver on this Xmas day.

The weather was warmer than ever before
Because so many folks thought it wise to ignore
Warnings from scientists for so many years
That their behavior would soon lead to tears
They called it alarmist, they thought it funny
They thought it was stupid to spend any money
To keep the world temps from rising so high
That the glaciers would melt and the forests would fry
Now the oceans are rising and the pole ice is gone
But you won’t hear those assholes say they were wrong

Santa Claus was unworried, we all heard him laugh
As his wife floated by on a pink rubber raft
Enjoying the warmth in a yellow bikini
With a huge smile and a bigger martini
And then we saw something that was truly not neeto
When Santa appeared in his tiny red speedo
And over his suit flopped a great big hunk
Of his belly fat so you can’t see his junk
His red suit and hat he seemed happy to doff
So he could enjoy this Xmas off.
“Screw them!” he said “this must be what they wanted
When they ignored science and instead flaunted
Their big fancy cars that burned fossil fuels.
No Xmas for them, the dumb fucking tools.
If Those putzes like Trump are so in love with coal
Then I’ll just relax here at the North Pole”



That was all fine for Santa, he was afloat
He had his nice raft,and we’d built him a boat
But for us elves this was quite a jam
Because we are short and none of us swam
And the jobs on which for years we’ve depended
They were gone now, our lives were upended

“Hey fellas,’ said Santa” your work is completed
Without a North Pole, you’re no longer needed
So just float towards land and live out your days
From what you have saved in your 401Ks.
You won’t see me singing the holiday blues
I’m spending this Xmas on a Greek Island cruise
By the way, have you seen Rudolph around”
“No” I replied” all the reindeer have drowned”.

And so we’re afloat, with nowhere to go
Because there’s no polar ice, and no winter snow
We’ll have to make lives wherever we land
Maybe it will be LA and we can start a band
But one thing is certain, on thing is clear

You’ll have a hot Xmas and a sizzling New Year.