Saturday, December 17, 2016

2016 Annual Xmas Poem!

It's that time again! Time for another heart warming Xmas tale. This year's is particularly touching, and should probably be made into a film, but Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye are dead. Here's the video:

And, if you'd like to read it yourself:
Xmas At Drumpf Tower,
as told by an Orange Turd

Twas the night before Xmas and all through the Tower
There was a sense of excitement with my brand new power
The servants, of course, were shivering in fear
Knowing my wrath might always appear
I’d made them sign contracts so they’d never blab
And each woman’s pussy had been given a grab
It was going to be a great Xmas night
And it, like my friends, would be nothing but white
I’d had my last fabulous wonderful meeting
And had just settled in for a great night of tweeting
And soon I would be all snug in my bed
While visions of Ivanka danced in my head.
Awaiting St Nick with gifts of great worth
Because I am the smartest person on earth

I had gone to the mirror to admire my coiffure
Laughing at what I’d made Romney endure
When out on the patio I heard a loud sound
I was sure that old Santa had just touched down
Having flown from the pole, where it is so cold
To bring me more things with my name stamped in gold
Instead through the window crashed a large ugly beast
More hideous than Hillary by three times at least
It had giant horns like the ones on a goat
And a strong stench was coming from its brown fur coat
Carrying bells in one hand and a chain in the other
And a long scary tongue: this was one ugly mother
Big fangs were coming from it’s smelly mouth
It reminded me of my voters down in the south.

I yelled “What the hell! You’re not St. Nick!”
It growled back at me “Shut up you dick!
I am not Santa Claus, that much is true
He doesn’t visit a scumbag like you
For putzes with nothing but shit in their head
Get visits from me, evil Krampus instead!”
“What the hell is a Krampus” I strongly inquired
“Get out of my house. I say you’re fired!”

He spit in my face and kicked me in the balls
Then tore down the paintings of me on my walls
“You see, Donnieboy, you’ve been very bad
And because of your lies a great nation’s been had
You misled the country to form a strong bond
With schmucks too stupid to know they’d been conned
Like you give a shit about the working class
But you lied and you got them to all kiss your ass
There’ll be no Xmas joy as you had expected
Because of the way you got elected.
You just wanted glory, and power and money
To get adulation and grope every honey
You got racist people hollerin and hootin
And you sucked the dick of that bastard Putin
The life of the Donald is one great big scam
You’re less of a person than a rancid yam
You do nothing from which you will not gain
So this year, Donnieboy, you get nothing but pain!”

Then he punched me real hard, right in the jaw
And I really cried at the next thing I saw
He grabbed all the books I pretend to have written
The only ones with which I am smitten
And whipped out his wiener and let out a strong pee
Then called me a gonif as he aimed some at me
He hit me real hard with that big rusty chain
and cackled aloud as he did it again
“I hear you love coal” he said with whoop
Then pulled down the pants of my suit with one swoop
What he did with the coal I’d rather not say
But I’ll be pooping black until Valentine’s day

I was writhing in pain from the coal up my shitter
But soon  I will call him a loser on twitter
“Okay I”m done” he said with a punch
As he grabbed my beautiful hair in a bunch
And slapped me once more with a hand quite hirsute
“Now I’m off to see your boys Rudy and Newt
And your racist friend Bannon will get a hard smack
And I’ll tell him that Santa and Jesus are black”.
Then into my gut I felt one more thump
“ America was great til it voted for Trump!”

So this Xmas Santa won’t bring me more stuff
You might think a rich guy like me had enough
But I have another idea in store
Cuz I’ll use my new job to score me some more.
Yes, getting even richer will be my play
If my boss Vladimir says it okay.

Happy Holidays. And if you can do an impersonation of the groper in chief and would like to record this, please share it with me.