Monday, December 17, 2012

My Annual Xmas Poem, Read by ME!

In case you have forgotten how to read, or, like me you are old and can't ever find your reading glasses, here is this year's Xmas poem read by me.  Happy Solstice!

My Annual Xmas Poem

It's that time again, time for me to offend old friends and new with my annual Xmas poem.  Last year's poem was written from my perspective.  This year it is not, as you will be able to tell by the brand of beer the narrator has in his fridge.

An Idiots Xmas

Twas the night before Xmas, I was in a bad mood
For my house was quite empty, no TV, no food
No tables nor chairs for resting my bum
I’d gone and done something that’s clearly quite dumb
12/21 should have been the last day
For people on earth to work and to play
Now this year my Xmas will be pretty rough
Cuz I’ve given away all of my stuff.
I’m living on Budwieser, ramen and Chickletts
Investing what I have left in lottery tickets.

I was bumming about the big Mayan lie
When I saw something strange up in the sky
Then on my roof I heard a loud boom
And down through the chimney and into my room
Crashed a guy I believed in with never a pause
There on my carpet stood old Santa Claus
With red suit, black boots, white beard and all
He looked just like when I’d met him down at the Mall
I said “ Santa, I’m so glad to see you this year”
He said “Shut up schmuck, do you have any beer?”
I went to the fridge and grabbed a Bud Light
And gave it to Santa, full of delight
He looked at the can and shook his white head
“You call this a beer?  God your brain is dead!”

He sat on the floor, and took a big drink
I hoped he would give me a friendly wink
But instead he said “Look, kid, I’m visiting you
Cuz you must stop believing stuff that’s not true
Not just the crap from some crazy Mayan
But all the mechegas that you’ve been buyin’.
You bought the predictions of Harold Camping
And in seach of Sasquatch you’ve been out tramping
You visited Scotland to look for Loch Ness
And Homeopathy’s made your health a mess.
You believe in astrology and ESP too
And alien autopsies at Area 52
And that the earth is 6000 years old
You accept any crazy shit that you are told!

I slumped on the floor and let out a sigh
I had to respond to the big jolly guy
“But Santa,” I said, “I’m sure there is proof
There is stuff on the internet that shows the truth
Of witches and ghosts and reincarnation
And that Obama was born in some other nation
And that antioxidents can cure all ones ills
And there’ll be a Super Bowl for the Buffalo Bills”

Santa finished his beer and looked down at the floor
I hoped he was done, but no, he had more
“I can only assume your brain has been hacked
You can’t tell a rumor apart from a fact
You invested with Madoff, you stupid chump
And believed stuff you heard from Donald Trump
You think folks can fly like in the comics
You even believe supply side economics
Your lack of good sense I find quite vexin’
Why, you’re so stupid you could be a Texan!”

I was so sad to see that Santa was pissed
I said “Perhaps you’re right, some things I have missed
 but like most Americans, I’m dumb as a stick
Real or counterfeit, how do you pick?”

“Science” said Santa “Would be a good start
And think with your brain, and not with your heart
It you can’t prove it’s true, then give it a pass
Try taking your head out of your ass
Do research and make sure the pieces all fit
Because the world is full of bullshit
Here’s my one wish for this holiday season
Give yourself over to knowledge and reason
And now here’s something you might find funny
there really, for sure, is an Easter Bunny!”

Then Santa stood up and gave a big clap
Reached out his hand and gave me a dope slap
And he was gone before I could retort
So I just sat down to read The Drudge Report.
OH, one more thing, I’ve left a loose flag
Yes, Jeff Pliskin, Paul Ryan’s a douchebag!

Well, there it is, always inspirational.  Hope you enjoy your Solstice, Xmas, Hannukah, Kwanza or whatever, and may your New Year be awesomely groovy.