Tuesday, December 23, 2014

2014 Annual Xmas Poem


Twas three days after solstice, also Xmas eve
I was texting my friends that soon I would leave
To meet them for dinner, where we would gulp
Good food from a place with great ratings on Yelp
Of course we’d take pictures of our tasty chow
And post them on Instagram so you could say “Wow!”
I’d bought lots of presents, good gifts, no crappos
From Amazon, Crutchfield, and of course Zappos
My thoughts had been tweeted, my blog post was written
And I’d posted on Facebook everything that was fittin’

I gathered my phones and was ready to shift
Out the door to the car that was coming from Lyft
And just as I pulled on my new leather jacket
I heard past my earbuds an ungodly racket
In the street was a sight too strange to be true
A giant red sleigh pulled by eight caribou
And out of the sled two black boots hit the ground
Worn by a guy with a belly quite round
In a red suit and hat that I’d just have to mock
He must have bought it from Overstock.
And on his face was a bushy white beard.
Was this guy a hipster or was he just weird?
He bounded the stairs to my house awful quick,
A fat man so agile? It must be St. Nick!
(although, I must admit very starkly
I thought for a minute it could be Charles Barkley)

I opened the door and saw his great heft
Yes It was Santa. I said “WTF?”
“Season’s greetings young man” He said with a grin
“I brought you a gift. Can I come in?
And How ‘bout you increase the Xmas cheer
By bringing Kris Kringle a nice cold craft beer!”
My fridge is not full, I am no hoarder,
But I quickly brought Santa a barrel aged porter
“Santa” I said, “What a big thrill for me
To see you in person, I mean OMG
My friends will never believe this is true
You mind if I get a selfie with you?”

“No selfies!” said Santa, “Don’t be such a boob
And no video that you will put on Youtube,
And no hashtag Santa” said the bearded old Djin
“And no we will not connect on Linkedin

“But Santa,” I cried “I know you are old
Perhaps you don’t get how your image is gold
I’d get lots of viewers, have lots of ad clicks
And make lots of money and get lots of chicks
With you in a photo my fame would be vast
Would you at least be on my podcast?”

Santa stopped smiling and adjusted his suit
And pulled back a foot with a giant black boot
And trust it forward right into my groin
To have that not happen I’d have paid a bitcoin.
“Stop will you please with this being connected
It’s a real stupid way of getting respected”
I writhed on the floor, trying to breath
Hoping that he would just up and leave
Then he pulled a package out of his sack
And landed it into my nuts with a smack
“Here is your gift, you stupid schnook
It’s just what you need: It is a book!”
I was now pretty sure I could not again pee
For this kind of pain there’s no emogi
“Merry Xmas” he said “And happy New Year”
Then in one motion, chugged the whole beer.
“Look at you on the floor, like you’re all beggy
You’ve really turned into a big fat shmegege
Then he turned on his heels, but before he would go
He said “Ha, One more thing: LMFO!”

What a horrible Xmas, boy I was miffed
But at least the fat bastard left me a gift
Then and I opened it up, and what the heck
The damn book was written by that nutjob Glenn Beck!
So here’s wishing everyone Holiday cheer
While I hope that my nads will some day reappear.

There you go, another heartwarming Christmas tale.  Enjoy whatever it is you celebrate and be real groovy next year!