Tuesday, December 17, 2013

2013 Annual Xmas Poem, Again, Read by ME! (With stumbles, of course!)

It's that time again!  Time for another of my lame efforts to be amusing. This year's poem was actually told to me by Santa Claus himself.  Enjoy!

A Week Before Xmas At The North Pole

Twas a week before Xmas and Oh it was exciting
In just one more week I would be delighting
The good boys and girls in every nation
With toys and games and a brand new Playstation
The reindeer were binging so they’d have lots of fuel
To haul my fat ass round the world on the Yule
Mrs Claus was abuzz, busy cleaning my suit
And putting a shine on every black boot
At the toyshop the elves cared after each toy
Except for that lazy ass drunken elf Roy
I was updating my list of naughty and nice
noting every last act of goodness or vice
When just as I reached to pick up my quill
And downgrade to naughty that dirty slut Jill
I heard in the sky a tremendous roar
And saw a black SUV pull up outside my door
Then out jumped 4 guys in dark suits and sunglasses
It occurred to me they were here to harass us.
Our guests created a mighty commotion
That vibrated over the whole arctic ocean

The reindeer had scattered from the overhead copters
And Mrs. Claus spit out her brand new fake choppers
While those little wimp elves got all out of sorts
Each one had already shit in his shorts.
When a battering ram smashed the front door to splinters
I was sure this would be one of my worst winters

Over my wrecked door walked one scary dude
I said “You could have knocked! This is very rude!”
He scowled “Shut up Clause, we are NSA
And we didn’t come to the North Pole to play
We’re here for the data that you have collected
To decide who is good and who is rejected
We’ve tried every trick, every known hacking caper
It’s 2013 who keeps data on paper?
Just turn over your info and we’ll gladly depart
And you can get on with being a Luddite old fart.”

I paused for a minute, not sure what to do
So he continued “You must know it’s true
We need all information about everyone
Every man, every woman and their 1 day old son
Our net has been cast incredibly wide,
But you shouldn’t be bothered if you’ve nothing to hide.

We know all the members of each social circle
We know who is shtupping Angela Merkel
We hacked World of Warcraft and follow each cookie
We know how much Rudolph owes to his bookie
And that Dancer and Prancer are partners for life
And that shitfaced elf Roy is banging your wife.
But, Santa, you know whose sleeping or if they’re awake
You know who is wholesome and whose on the take
It’s the one piece of data that we do not possess
That’s your naughty-nice list, so  give it here, Yes?”

I was now the maddest I’d been in my life
That little twerp Roy was doing my wife?
I bent over and said”Off is what you can piss
Because from my data you will get bubkes”

A sinister grin lit the g-man’s dark face
“OK, you asked for it, Boys trash the place”
His men went through every inch of my house,
Took every paper, fondled my spouse
As they left through the door, which now was quite breezy
He said “just get on the internet and make our job easy”
And Merry Christmas you fat piece of crap”
And just like that they were off like a snap.

For the first time in my life, Santa was pissed
A feeling my wife couldn’t have missed
“Now how will you know which kid gets what toy?
I said “Shut up and tell me about you and Roy!”

Well, there you have it.  Another uplifting holiday story.  Hope you have a Merry Xmas, and a most profitable Fiscal 2014!