2020 XMAS POEM WITH SPECIAL GUEST

 

Here is my annual Xmas Poem. Apologies for he quality of the sound from my computer! Enjoy, and Happy Whatever!

The Escape Before Xmas (as told by Melania Trump)

T’was almost fucking Christmas and at the White House

I was living in hell because of my spouse

The loser still thinks he can steal the election

As much chance of that as he gets an erection

He went on Fox & Friends so that he could vent

While I banged a hot secret service agent

I had to get out, I was making a plan

To get myself rid of that fat rancid yam

And now off to Canada I plan to go

I’m going to get me some Justin Trudeau!

I was packing my bags full of expensive clothes

There was no way i could go on without those

Dresses from every famous designer

After I ditched that stupid fat whiner

In Hermes, Givenchys and Christian Diors

And Gucci and Lauren and Micheal Kors

When from the Rose Garden I heard a hubbub

I thought maybe Donald fell in a shrub

But there in the yard was a stupid red sled

With a bunch of gross critters I hoped were all dead

And a man with a beard who was fatter than Don

And you wouldn’t believe the suit he had on

With red pants, red coat and red stocking cap

He must shop at Walmart for this kind of crap

But it’s near fucking christmas so I knew real quick

This bastard must be that fat fuck St. Nick

He crashed through the door and fell on his rump

Looked up and said “Hello Mrs. Trump”

“Nice Suit” I told Santa “And who trims your beard?

It’ looks like Don’s hair, it’s so fucking weird”

“Wow”, he replied, as his nose gave a twitch

“I see why everyone says you’re a bitch!

You got by all your life because of your looks

And now you’re surrounded by nothing but crooks”

I wasn’t about to take shit from this guy

I called Secret Service but got no reply

“Shut up” I told the fat man on the floor

“You can’t talk to me like someone who’s poor

I’m the first lady, I have no master

I wear Jimmy Choo’s to a natural disaster”

The fat guy just scowled then gave me a wink

“I’m Santa, and you’re not as rich as you think

Don’s got less money than he has class

The scumbag’s  in debt up to his fat ass

With all the loans he will have to repay

You’ll end up back modeling lingerie

And I know how you really despise the orange man

I’ve seen you scowl when he goes for you hand

You act like the bastard really should thankya

But he’d rather be banging his daughter Ivanka

You married Schmuck a la orange cuz you thought he had billions

Then you end up in a tennis pavilion!”

That was all I could take, it was time to Be Best

I said “Have you come here to just be a pest?

I thought you’re supposed to spread holiday cheer?

But you’ve been an asshole since you got here 

If you have no gifts then off you should go

To see Stormy Daniels, that HO HO HO!”

“Oh I’ve got a gift” Santa said with a smile

“It’s one that you’ve wanted for quite a while

You want to get rid of your cheating man

And get hold of his money while you still can”

“Oh Santa” I said, “that cannot be real

To wed Cheetoman you must sign a deal

That gives you just enough money for life

When he says it’s time for a much younger wife”

Now Santa chuckled, then laughed really hard

Then reached in his pocket and pulled out a card

“Here’s the one gift to which you’ll say ‘Yup”

“It’s a lawyer who’ll get around your prenup!”

He threw it at me and then walked away

And stormed out the door and jumped in his sleigh

And Shouted “I don’t know now what you will do

But a Merry Fucking Christmas to you!”

Then said “Let’s roll” and reindeer did bound

And pulled the whole rig up off the ground

As it took off it made such a racket

I was reminded of my cheap Zara jacket

And I yelled out to Santa as off his sled flew

“ Hey Santa, I don’t really care, do you?”

The Man Who Turned Down the Sports Section!

 

This is a story I liked to tell to my Economics students. See if you can guess why.

In the 1980’s I worked for a small company that marketed credit cards for department stores, back in the day when every city had a few regional stores.  My office was in a one story building located on the corner of Sheridan and Elmwood in Kenmore, NY, a detail only important to the Buffalonians reading this. I liked to leave the office for lunch, and several had options within walking distance. One of the choices was one of the many good Greek restaurants you could find in the Buffalo area.

In the 80’s I was in a fantasy baseball league, or Rotisserie league, as they were known in those days.  This was pre-internet, of course, and in those primitive times the best daily sports information was to be found in USA Today, making it required reading for me at lunch every day. (As a side note to this, because of this habit, several times I returned to the office to inform my boss that one of our customers had filed for bankruptcy!).  Most days I happily enjoyed my lunch with the colorful national paper, and newsprint covering my hands. 

One day I walk into the Greek joint with the paper and take a seat at the counter a few seats away from an older man who smiles and says hello. He was eating alone, with no reading material,  a situation I still can’t imagine, so he was happy to chat about anything. We talked a bit about the usual stuff, then I got into the sports section. When I was done with it, I offered him the sports section, because that’s what guys do.  

“Thanks, but I can’t read” he replied. 

I tried not to let on how shocked I was. I guess I grew up in a very fortunate situation, because as far as I know that was the first person I had ever met who could not read. I didn’t think such a person existed in this country!  I could barely imagine it. I thought maybe he was kidding, but there was no indication that this was a joke.

My offer led to us talking a bit more. I have no recollection of how the conversation progressed to the point where he told me this:

“This morning I saw this guy in a wheelchair. I offered him a few bucks because I figured there was no way a guy like that could make a living.” 

Again, there was kind of a stunned silence on my part.  The man who couldn’t read thought the man in the wheelchair was handicapped? The man who couldn’t READ, thought the man in the wheelchair was handicapped! 

I pretty much let this drop at this point. But on the walk back to my office I thought about how I could easily do my job without functioning legs.  Hell, Stephen Hawking managed to succeed for years in his severely disabled state. 

At this point you might be able to figure out why I would speak of this in an Econ class. One of the things that separates rich countries from poor is called “Human Capital”, meaning the education and skill level of the people.  The correlation between literacy rates and GDP/person is as close to perfect as you can get.  So, I would ask the class, who was more disabled, my friend who couldn’t read, or the man in the wheelchair, assuming that man was literate. In fact, can you even imagine a job you could do today that didn’t require some minimal level or reading? This story was almost too perfect for teaching this, and I’m not sure my students didn’t think I made it up. I wish I was so clever. 

I wonder if my illiterate friend lived into the days of the internet and social media. If so, what a shame that his disability would have prevented him from enjoying the extreme pleasure of arguing with an idiot on social media!

Xmas Poem: A Secular Xmas.

It's that time again. Solstice is coming. Everyone is finishing their gravity related shopping for Sir Isaac's birthday. And people will be trying to figure out exactly how the hell you spell Chaunnukah.  That means I have also recorded another of my inspirational Xmas Poems.  I hope you enjoy.

Xmas 2019 A Secular Xmas in text form.

For those of you who can't stand my voice, but hate my writing a little less, here is the text of my Xmas poem. Enjoy!

A SECULAR XMAS

Twas the night before Xmas and I was kvetching

It’s that time of year when my values are stretching

I’d bought all these presents that I was to wrap

When I knew that this holiday was a bunch of crap

The halls had all been decked out with holly

To honor a story that was nothing but folly

There’d be joy and drinking and lots of mirth

Because of some nonsense about virgin birth.

Just as I was stuffing a secular stocking

I heard on my door a rather loud knocking

I opened the portal only to see

A fellow you’d not think would visit me

He had a white beard that looked really fine

And a gut that was even bigger than mine

And black boots on whose shine he didn’t skimp

And a red velvet suit like you’d see on a pimp

He stood in the doorway grinning a grin

And said “It’s cold out here, can I come in?”

I invited him in, and was amazed

When to my fridge a path he did blaze

And from it what did Santa pull out

But 2 tasty bottles of Left Hand Milk Stout

He popped off the caps and handed me one

Sat on the couch and said “What’s up son?”

“Well Santa” I said “I’m feeling some grief

About this season that’s based on a silly belief

The story of Xmas is surely not true

It makes far more sense to believe in you

For at least every Xmas you’re down at the mall

And unlike God, you’ve been seen by all

One would have to be mentally lazy

To believe a story that is so outright crazy

About mangers and wise men and stars in the sky

To dream that all up someone had to be high

And if Jesus existed he was surely not born

In a barn on December 25^th morn”

But despite the way I give the season these knocks

You know I am stuck in this paradox

For while I am proud to be atheist

It would be awful if Xmas was missed

Cause I like this holiday, you can say that

The lights and the music and your red hat

And how people behave in a friendly way

And movies with Bing and Danny Kaye

Or a kid who wants a Red Rider gun

And opening presents surely is fun

I dig that Xmas song by Mel Torme

And even the one where apparel is gay

Yes, I can say it would please me to pieces

If we could have xmas without mentioning Jesus

Santa took a big gulp and let out a sigh

“Well I notice that many nice gifts you did buy

And although you are someone who does not believe

There’s reason for you to have fun Xmas eve

The Christians, you see, claimed if for their own

But long before that was a party in Rome

Called Saturnalia that went on for 8 days

And people behaved in quite crazy ways.

It was not cuz of Jesus, that is quite clear

But because of the shortest day of the year.”

So selling their bullshit was really the reason

Christians chose A Pagan Holiday to call Xmas season

 “That’s right” Santa said, “It was easy to do

They even had pine trees with lights on them too

Its not Jesus’ birthday , that’s sure as shootin’

But it is the birthday  of Sir Isaac Newton!

So now whenever you see a nice Xmas tree

Think of the guy who discovered gravity!”

Santa finished his beer and said “You’re not nuts

To deny xmas is fun you would be such a putz

Go ahead and relax and enjoy this fun season

And leave the religion to those who don’t reason

Let me leave you with this fore I hop in my sled

It’s a thought you should always keep in your head

You’ll hear it from me or the Easter Bunny

Religious holidays are all about money!”

He then gave me a chocolate wrapped up in gold

And just like that headed out in the cold.

And so ,Every Xmas, wherever you roam

You’ll encounter nice folks who don’t buy the tome

About Jesus and God and dudes who brought Myrrh

And Mary got pregnant but Joe didn’t schtupp her

They give gifts and watch videos of the Yule Log

Sing carols and laugh and drink Egg Nog

That this holiday is for everyone surely’s not news

The Christians, the Athiests, and even the Jews

Though my idea of Xmas you might find crass

At least I don’t have to attend midnight mass!

MERRY WHATEVER AND HAPPY SOMETHING OR OTHER!

2018 Xmas Poem, as read by Orson Wells

2018 Xmas Poem, for those who can read

A DAMP XMAS AT THE NORTH POLE (as told by Phineas J. Elf)

Twas the night before XMas, things are not looking good

As I cling desperately  to a small piece of wood

We’d worked all year long to make wonderful toys

So Santa could give them to good girls and boys

But now all the toys that we had created

Were floating around us, all saturated

The ice on which our workshop should be

Had melted this year and turned into a sea.

Now Santa has nothing to load in his sleigh

No toys to deliver on this Xmas day.

The weather was warmer than ever before

Because so many folks thought it wise to ignore

Warnings from scientists for so many years

That their behavior would soon lead to tears

They called it alarmist, they thought it funny

They thought it was stupid to spend any money

To keep the world temps from rising so high

That the glaciers would melt and the forests would fry

Now the oceans are rising and the pole ice is gone

But you won’t hear those assholes say they were wrong

Santa Claus was unworried, we all heard him laugh

As his wife floated by on a pink rubber raft

Enjoying the warmth in a yellow bikini

With a huge smile and a bigger martini

And then we saw something that was truly not neeto

When Santa appeared in his tiny red speedo

And over his suit flopped a great big hunk

Of his belly fat so you can’t see his junk

His red suit and hat he seemed happy to doff

So he could enjoy this Xmas off.

“Screw them!” he said “this must be what they wanted

When they ignored science and instead flaunted

Their big fancy cars that burned fossil fuels.

No Xmas for them, the dumb fucking tools.

If Those putzes like Trump are so in love with coal

Then I’ll just relax here at the North Pole”

That was all fine for Santa, he was afloat

He had his nice raft,and we’d built him a boat

But for us elves this was quite a jam

Because we are short and none of us swam

And the jobs on which for years we’ve depended

They were gone now, our lives were upended

“Hey fellas,’ said Santa” your work is completed

Without a North Pole, you’re no longer needed

So just float towards land and live out your days

From what you have saved in your 401Ks.

You won’t see me singing the holiday blues

I’m spending this Xmas on a Greek Island cruise

By the way, have you seen Rudolph around”

“No” I replied” all the reindeer have drowned”.

And so we’re afloat, with nowhere to go

Because there’s no polar ice, and no winter snow

We’ll have to make lives wherever we land

Maybe it will be LA and we can start a band

But one thing is certain, on thing is clear

You’ll have a hot Xmas and a sizzling New Year.

Xmas 2017: No Xmas This Year, (as told by Mr. S. Claus)

It's that happy time of year again, and what is more festive than my annual poem. So here it is. Enjoy, happy Whatever.

No Xmas This Year (as told by Mr. S. Claus)

Its the night before Xmas and all is quite grim

No reason to carol nor the tree to get trim

No purpose to hanging the stockings with care

Cuz there’s no chance that Santa will show up this year

No flying sleigh shall by Santa be mounted

My reindeer and I, I’m afraid, have been grounded.

There will be no Xmas, but I don’t blame myself

This problem all started with that loudmouth elf

You know the one, with that really cute tushy

Just the right combination of firmness and cushy

She was wearing a pair of those tight yoga pants

And while she worked she was doing a dance

Watching her move just brought me such bliss

What could I do? I couldn’t resist!

Over to her I went in a blink

Looked her in the eye, and gave her a wink

And said “Hey there elf Judy, you sure are cute

Would you like to see what’s beneath my red suit”
Then in a move that would cost me some cash

I undid my black belt and gave her a flash

And what I did next  was also quite dumb

I placed my jolly hand on her lovely bum.

For some reason Judy seemed less than amused

She told everybody that she’s been abused.

First she filed a complaint with  the North Pole HR

Then talked to a reporter from the Northern Lights Star

And Despite all my efforts to keep all this local

She got even madder, even more vocal

She hired a lawyer and got on TV

Blabbed to  60 minutes and MSNBC

She’d talk to a journalist from anywhere

Except Fox. I’m not a democrat so they dont care.

I knew it was they end, that I had no hope, yuh

When she sat on the couch for a long chat with Oprah!

Well, after that all hell broke loose

as every elf who I’d given the goose

Backed up her story by telling their own

Including that shiksa by whom I’d been blown

When I told her that she must succumb to my power

Or She’d be cleaning toilets in New York at Trump Tower.

And it wasn’t just elves, oh, no, no, no

But the mommies from under the mistletoe

Because it turned out that many were pissed

they thought it was their husbands who they had kissed.

The reaction was deep as the Buffalo snow

The cries came from all over  “Santa must go”

From Congress, from Hollywood, and late night TV

It seemed all the world had just turned on me

Folks who once loved my white beard and red  suit

Wanted nothing more now than to give me the boot.

People who loved me when they were young

Cursed St. Nick  and said that I should be hung.

(And I am! Ask elf Judy)

I gathered around the friends I still had

They all agreed, the situation was bad

And I knew it was over when good old Rudolph

Said I should give up, and just go play golf.

So after 3 glasses of my favorite red wine

I told Anderson Cooper that I would resign.

So, no Xmas this year. Santa’s been beaten.

The elves were laid off, the reindeer’ve been eaten

And as for me, I’ve got a new place

At a rehab resort for those in disgrace

Where I have a group session every day

With Franken and Weinstien and Louis CK

And Rose and Batali and Barton and Frank

And a few other schmucks who’ve showed of their crank.

Our daily sessions are what is in store

When we are joined shortly by Trump, Farenthold and Moore.

But each of us knows one day we’ll be back

Hey, that group session leader sure has a nice rack!

Uplifting as a Hallmark movie! Hope your 2018 is better than this shitty year!