Sunday, December 19, 2010

My 2010 Xmas Poem

Here it is, finally. The reason I started this blog in the first place.

A WIKILEAKY XMAS, as told by Julian Assange

Twas the night before xmas, and I wasn't speaking
I was hiding out after a big year of leaking
Off in the wilderness where I'd not be seen
I was deep in thought before my laptop screen
Through secret data I looked with great zeal
To decide what covert info I next would reveal
because the world is a dangerous place
even moreso now, cuz of my Wiki space.

I was about to expose a new government whore
When came a loud knocking on my front door
And before I could answer this annoying din
There was a loud crash as it was kicked in
Darkening my doorway there stood such a sight
that like any brave hero I tried to take flight
But I couldn't run as the portal was blocked
by an angry fat man who appeared to be crocked,
with a mangled white beard, and round nose of red,
and a dirty old stocking cap stuck on his head,
and black boots, and a gut that was quite porcine,
and a snarl on his face that looked really mean.

I realized this fatso who'd invaded my shelter
Was none other than Santa, with his blood all aswelter
He'd come,no doubt, seeking revenge for my role
in exposing conditions up at the North Pole

“You putz” he screamed, as he grabbed at my hair
“Looks like you ruined everyone's xmas this year
Now the kids who've been good will get no new toys
since you spilled that my elves are Vietnamese boys
who made toys for tots with stuff that was toxic
and you squealed all about how my reindeer got sick
When they ate food I gave them made from downer cattle.
Do you think ruining xmas is an important battle?

“Sorry there fat boy, but its candor that matters”
I said as he ripped my shirt into tatters
“I just publish the truth and let people decide
Everyone needs to know what others might hide”

Santa raised his fat hand, and with surprising grace,
let it come crashing into my face
“You revealed that my sled has GPS
And with Sirius Radio it also is blessed
And is driven by an engine that's truly high tech
And that my beard is not real but glued to my neck
Cuz the rest of the year I'm a Goldman Sachs banker.
Now all the world thinks that Santa's a wanker!
And you have ruined xmas for everyone.
He reached in his pocket “Now where is that gun”

I pleaded for mercy but he wouldn't listen
As the sweat on his beard started to glisten
The gun, luckily, he was unable to find
For Santa was clearly out of his mind
But instead in the pocket of his big red pants were
a bottle of booze and a huge reindeer antler
And as he took a swig from the bottle of rum
He shoved that big antler right up my bum
“There's your xmas present, I hope you enjoy it
The perfect xmas gift for those who'd destroy it”
He hocked up a loogey which in my face he spat
And then in a flash he was gone, just like that.

Well I've learned one lesson from leaking the truths
that canceled the xmas of so many youths
Santa's a bad ass, that I will say
I would way rather piss off the CIA!

Another uplifting Xmas story. Hope your cockles are appropriately warmed, because everyone loves a hot cockle. And thanks to Suzanne Vennino for suggesting the topic.

May you have a Merry Whatever and a Happy The Other Thing.

Actual Good News!

Kudos to the Senate for finally doing what judges were about to do anyway. Doing away with the foolish and unfair DADT policy is a great step forward in civil rights. Now, we need to also give gay people the right to marry. Until all Americans are guaranteed the same rights, we shouldn't dare brag about being a free country.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Mystery sculptor strikes again.

I swear I will have the poem up by Saturday, but meanwhile, a different kind of Santa has left another mystery sculpture.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I wish I'd thought of this....

What a great practical joke! A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find a 15 foot sculpture with lights occupying the middle of her lawn. No clues as to how it got there. If this is someone's idea of a prank, they should win an award. Read about it in the Boulder Daily Camera.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Important Xmas Info!!!!!!

Still looking for just the right Xmas gift for Sarah Palin? Wouldn't a camouflage toilet seat be perfect for her? This is just one of the wonderful gift suggestions you can find in Dave Barry's 2010 Guide to Holiday Gifts, which is clearly the second greatest Xmas tradition ever (Getting drunk and eating steak on a stick for dinner at Friday's on Xmas Eve is tops!).

But what if it turns out that the pillow tie Dave suggests is not the right gift for your narcoleptic history teacher? Ooops! Now there is a dead weight loss. So you need to read this detailed academic study by Yale economist Joel Waldfogel that estimates the annual dead weight loss from bad gifts at between $4 and $14 billion. Merry effing Xmas from another Dismal Scientist.

Yes, I post this stuff every year, but where would we be without tradition!

Monday, December 6, 2010


I will be writing my annual xmas poem next week, IF I can find a topic. Right now I am drawing a blank. Any suggestions via the comments below would be appreciated!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Finally an athlete BLAMES God!

As a long suffering Buffalo Bills fan, the fact that Bills receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a game winning touchdown pass in overtime last Sunday barely qualifies as news. Another Bills screw-up! But, thanks to Johnson's twitter, quoted below, we now know who is to blame, perhaps for all the Bills failures, and our 50 years of pain.


It has long been a source of annoyance to me to see an athlete praising God when he wins, thanking God for giving him the talent to win the game. If there actually were a God, the rest of us should not be worshiping him, but asking him why he hates most of us, and loves the Heisman Trophy winner so much.

And until now, you never see a guy from the losing team say "God really screwed us today." or "God must just love the Patriots more than the Buffalo Bills". So, I find Johnson's rant against the imaginary invisible man in the sky quite refreshing. Hopefully, we will see more of this. Why would you worship a guy who gave someone else way more than he gave you? You would have to be an idiot!

I have always subscribed to the idea that "A good athlete always blames his equipment". Well, now let's just change that to "A good athlete always blames his deity". And be sure and ask your religious adviser who God likes this weekend, before you call your bookie!