Sunday, December 19, 2010

My 2010 Xmas Poem

Here it is, finally. The reason I started this blog in the first place.

A WIKILEAKY XMAS, as told by Julian Assange

Twas the night before xmas, and I wasn't speaking
I was hiding out after a big year of leaking
Off in the wilderness where I'd not be seen
I was deep in thought before my laptop screen
Through secret data I looked with great zeal
To decide what covert info I next would reveal
because the world is a dangerous place
even moreso now, cuz of my Wiki space.

I was about to expose a new government whore
When came a loud knocking on my front door
And before I could answer this annoying din
There was a loud crash as it was kicked in
Darkening my doorway there stood such a sight
that like any brave hero I tried to take flight
But I couldn't run as the portal was blocked
by an angry fat man who appeared to be crocked,
with a mangled white beard, and round nose of red,
and a dirty old stocking cap stuck on his head,
and black boots, and a gut that was quite porcine,
and a snarl on his face that looked really mean.

I realized this fatso who'd invaded my shelter
Was none other than Santa, with his blood all aswelter
He'd come,no doubt, seeking revenge for my role
in exposing conditions up at the North Pole

“You putz” he screamed, as he grabbed at my hair
“Looks like you ruined everyone's xmas this year
Now the kids who've been good will get no new toys
since you spilled that my elves are Vietnamese boys
who made toys for tots with stuff that was toxic
and you squealed all about how my reindeer got sick
When they ate food I gave them made from downer cattle.
Do you think ruining xmas is an important battle?

“Sorry there fat boy, but its candor that matters”
I said as he ripped my shirt into tatters
“I just publish the truth and let people decide
Everyone needs to know what others might hide”

Santa raised his fat hand, and with surprising grace,
let it come crashing into my face
“You revealed that my sled has GPS
And with Sirius Radio it also is blessed
And is driven by an engine that's truly high tech
And that my beard is not real but glued to my neck
Cuz the rest of the year I'm a Goldman Sachs banker.
Now all the world thinks that Santa's a wanker!
And you have ruined xmas for everyone.
He reached in his pocket “Now where is that gun”

I pleaded for mercy but he wouldn't listen
As the sweat on his beard started to glisten
The gun, luckily, he was unable to find
For Santa was clearly out of his mind
But instead in the pocket of his big red pants were
a bottle of booze and a huge reindeer antler
And as he took a swig from the bottle of rum
He shoved that big antler right up my bum
“There's your xmas present, I hope you enjoy it
The perfect xmas gift for those who'd destroy it”
He hocked up a loogey which in my face he spat
And then in a flash he was gone, just like that.

Well I've learned one lesson from leaking the truths
that canceled the xmas of so many youths
Santa's a bad ass, that I will say
I would way rather piss off the CIA!

Another uplifting Xmas story. Hope your cockles are appropriately warmed, because everyone loves a hot cockle. And thanks to Suzanne Vennino for suggesting the topic.

May you have a Merry Whatever and a Happy The Other Thing.

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