Saturday, December 17, 2016

2016 Annual Xmas Poem!

It's that time again! Time for another heart warming Xmas tale. This year's is particularly touching, and should probably be made into a film, but Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye are dead. Here's the video:


And, if you'd like to read it yourself:
Xmas At Drumpf Tower,
as told by an Orange Turd

Twas the night before Xmas and all through the Tower
There was a sense of excitement with my brand new power
The servants, of course, were shivering in fear
Knowing my wrath might always appear
I’d made them sign contracts so they’d never blab
And each woman’s pussy had been given a grab
It was going to be a great Xmas night
And it, like my friends, would be nothing but white
I’d had my last fabulous wonderful meeting
And had just settled in for a great night of tweeting
And soon I would be all snug in my bed
While visions of Ivanka danced in my head.
Awaiting St Nick with gifts of great worth
Because I am the smartest person on earth

I had gone to the mirror to admire my coiffure
Laughing at what I’d made Romney endure
When out on the patio I heard a loud sound
I was sure that old Santa had just touched down
Having flown from the pole, where it is so cold
To bring me more things with my name stamped in gold
Instead through the window crashed a large ugly beast
More hideous than Hillary by three times at least
It had giant horns like the ones on a goat
And a strong stench was coming from its brown fur coat
Carrying bells in one hand and a chain in the other
And a long scary tongue: this was one ugly mother
Big fangs were coming from it’s smelly mouth
It reminded me of my voters down in the south.

I yelled “What the hell! You’re not St. Nick!”
It growled back at me “Shut up you dick!
I am not Santa Claus, that much is true
He doesn’t visit a scumbag like you
For putzes with nothing but shit in their head
Get visits from me, evil Krampus instead!”
“What the hell is a Krampus” I strongly inquired
“Get out of my house. I say you’re fired!”

He spit in my face and kicked me in the balls
Then tore down the paintings of me on my walls
“You see, Donnieboy, you’ve been very bad
And because of your lies a great nation’s been had
You misled the country to form a strong bond
With schmucks too stupid to know they’d been conned
Like you give a shit about the working class
But you lied and you got them to all kiss your ass
There’ll be no Xmas joy as you had expected
Because of the way you got elected.
You just wanted glory, and power and money
To get adulation and grope every honey
You got racist people hollerin and hootin
And you sucked the dick of that bastard Putin
The life of the Donald is one great big scam
You’re less of a person than a rancid yam
You do nothing from which you will not gain
So this year, Donnieboy, you get nothing but pain!”

Then he punched me real hard, right in the jaw
And I really cried at the next thing I saw
He grabbed all the books I pretend to have written
The only ones with which I am smitten
And whipped out his wiener and let out a strong pee
Then called me a gonif as he aimed some at me
He hit me real hard with that big rusty chain
and cackled aloud as he did it again
“I hear you love coal” he said with whoop
Then pulled down the pants of my suit with one swoop
What he did with the coal I’d rather not say
But I’ll be pooping black until Valentine’s day

I was writhing in pain from the coal up my shitter
But soon  I will call him a loser on twitter
“Okay I”m done” he said with a punch
As he grabbed my beautiful hair in a bunch
And slapped me once more with a hand quite hirsute
“Now I’m off to see your boys Rudy and Newt
And your racist friend Bannon will get a hard smack
And I’ll tell him that Santa and Jesus are black”.
Then into my gut I felt one more thump
“ America was great til it voted for Trump!”

So this Xmas Santa won’t bring me more stuff
You might think a rich guy like me had enough
But I have another idea in store
Cuz I’ll use my new job to score me some more.
Yes, getting even richer will be my play
If my boss Vladimir says it okay.

Happy Holidays. And if you can do an impersonation of the groper in chief and would like to record this, please share it with me.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2015 Xmas Poem.

It's that time again! Time for another uplifting xmas story from the Charles Dickens of our generation....oh, wait, no, I wrote it. Well, I hope you enjoy, and that you have a great holiday season and a fantastic New Year!



6 DECADES OF XMAS


Twas the night before Xmas and I was feeling filleted
In 8 days I would begin my 7th decade
Old age was upon me like a wicked curse
It was just about time to start dining at Furr’s
It seems so long since my eyes had a glint
Now it was time to buy books in large print
I used to go home with girls who looked nice
Now I bed down with a CPAP device
How did so much time just slip away?
I swear I was 30 just yesterday!


I was prone on the couch nursing my aching knee
Fighting the urge to get up and pee
When out on the patio I heard a loud thud
So loud that it sent a chill through my blood
I threw open the door to see what was the matter
Though I really wanted to empty my bladder
And who was there sitting in my rocking chair
But the bearded fat dude who comes round every year
I pulled up a chair so that I could sit
And said “Santa, again? I’m too old for this shit!


“Yes you are old” said Santa through his snowy beard
“At your age I guess it’s not Santa who’s feared”:
You don’t need the gifts that folks buy on a whim
You’re more concerned with the reaper so grim.
You no longer dream of the girls you could roger
You’re not much more than an ancient grave dodger
It is your mortality about which you most think
Now let me inside and get me a drink”.

We went into the house and I grabbed him a glass
while down on the couch he plopped his fat ass
He said “Come on, its Xmas, don’t look so sad”
As I poured him 2 fingers of  Old Grand Dad
He considered his drink with a look that was crappy
“You own 2 buses and you’re not drinking Pappy?
“Up Yours!” I told Santa, with no regret
“Better than milk and cookies, I would bet”


“Santa” I asked “ what brings you here?
I doubt that you brought any new toys this year
Stuff for the old is not one of your niches
The only sack that you have is the one in your britches”
The fat bastard grinned and adjusted his hat
How’d he live all these years, being that fat?
“You think I’m not sick of doing this job
Having to bring toys so kids will not sob
They sit on my lap and beg while they pee
Then leave sour milk and stale cookies for me
Doing that every Xmas totally sucks
I’m sick and tired of these little schmucks”


Hearing this I was shocked, it made my brain hazy
It was like Trump has said something not batshit crazy
Santa quitting was not a thought I could think
I bit my pot cookie and slurped down my drink
“Santa this is insane” I quickly objected
“Millions of  kids will be so dejected”
“So what” Santa said as he emptied his glass
“those little putzes can all kiss my ass!
I came by your house do see if you’d join me
Cuz that new Star Wars movie I’m itching to see
And to make sure we kill the holiday blues
We’ll get some Chinese, just like the Jews”


A heartwarming story, well, this is not it
For Santa and I, the movie we hit
We drank some more bourbon and ate some pot candy
And to feel even better we chased it with brandy
Then off to the theater we surely did go
And ate 3 tubs of popcorn while watching the show
Then we got some eggrolls and moo goo gai pan
And that was my Xmas with the jolly fat man.


That Xmas morning there were many sad faces
Where kids thought there’d by toys, there were just empty spaces
So the kids learned a lesson we all know to be true
Sometimes life will just crap on you!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

2014 Annual Xmas Poem



A TOTALLY CONNECTED SOCIAL MEDIA XMAS

Twas three days after solstice, also Xmas eve
I was texting my friends that soon I would leave
To meet them for dinner, where we would gulp
Good food from a place with great ratings on Yelp
Of course we’d take pictures of our tasty chow
And post them on Instagram so you could say “Wow!”
I’d bought lots of presents, good gifts, no crappos
From Amazon, Crutchfield, and of course Zappos
My thoughts had been tweeted, my blog post was written
And I’d posted on Facebook everything that was fittin’

I gathered my phones and was ready to shift
Out the door to the car that was coming from Lyft
And just as I pulled on my new leather jacket
I heard past my earbuds an ungodly racket
In the street was a sight too strange to be true
A giant red sleigh pulled by eight caribou
And out of the sled two black boots hit the ground
Worn by a guy with a belly quite round
In a red suit and hat that I’d just have to mock
He must have bought it from Overstock.
And on his face was a bushy white beard.
Was this guy a hipster or was he just weird?
He bounded the stairs to my house awful quick,
A fat man so agile? It must be St. Nick!
(although, I must admit very starkly
I thought for a minute it could be Charles Barkley)

I opened the door and saw his great heft
Yes It was Santa. I said “WTF?”
“Season’s greetings young man” He said with a grin
“I brought you a gift. Can I come in?
And How ‘bout you increase the Xmas cheer
By bringing Kris Kringle a nice cold craft beer!”
My fridge is not full, I am no hoarder,
But I quickly brought Santa a barrel aged porter
“Santa” I said, “What a big thrill for me
To see you in person, I mean OMG
My friends will never believe this is true
You mind if I get a selfie with you?”

“No selfies!” said Santa, “Don’t be such a boob
And no video that you will put on Youtube,
And no hashtag Santa” said the bearded old Djin
“And no we will not connect on Linkedin

“But Santa,” I cried “I know you are old
Perhaps you don’t get how your image is gold
I’d get lots of viewers, have lots of ad clicks
And make lots of money and get lots of chicks
With you in a photo my fame would be vast
Would you at least be on my podcast?”

Santa stopped smiling and adjusted his suit
And pulled back a foot with a giant black boot
And trust it forward right into my groin
To have that not happen I’d have paid a bitcoin.
“Stop will you please with this being connected
It’s a real stupid way of getting respected”
I writhed on the floor, trying to breath
Hoping that he would just up and leave
Then he pulled a package out of his sack
And landed it into my nuts with a smack
“Here is your gift, you stupid schnook
It’s just what you need: It is a book!”
I was now pretty sure I could not again pee
For this kind of pain there’s no emogi
“Merry Xmas” he said “And happy New Year”
Then in one motion, chugged the whole beer.
“Look at you on the floor, like you’re all beggy
You’ve really turned into a big fat shmegege
Then he turned on his heels, but before he would go
He said “Ha, One more thing: LMFO!”

What a horrible Xmas, boy I was miffed
But at least the fat bastard left me a gift
Then and I opened it up, and what the heck
The damn book was written by that nutjob Glenn Beck!
So here’s wishing everyone Holiday cheer
While I hope that my nads will some day reappear.

There you go, another heartwarming Christmas tale.  Enjoy whatever it is you celebrate and be real groovy next year!


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

2013 Annual Xmas Poem, Again, Read by ME! (With stumbles, of course!)



It's that time again!  Time for another of my lame efforts to be amusing. This year's poem was actually told to me by Santa Claus himself.  Enjoy!

A Week Before Xmas At The North Pole

Twas a week before Xmas and Oh it was exciting
In just one more week I would be delighting
The good boys and girls in every nation
With toys and games and a brand new Playstation
The reindeer were binging so they’d have lots of fuel
To haul my fat ass round the world on the Yule
Mrs Claus was abuzz, busy cleaning my suit
And putting a shine on every black boot
At the toyshop the elves cared after each toy
Except for that lazy ass drunken elf Roy
I was updating my list of naughty and nice
noting every last act of goodness or vice
When just as I reached to pick up my quill
And downgrade to naughty that dirty slut Jill
I heard in the sky a tremendous roar
And saw a black SUV pull up outside my door
Then out jumped 4 guys in dark suits and sunglasses
It occurred to me they were here to harass us.
Our guests created a mighty commotion
That vibrated over the whole arctic ocean

The reindeer had scattered from the overhead copters
And Mrs. Claus spit out her brand new fake choppers
While those little wimp elves got all out of sorts
Each one had already shit in his shorts.
When a battering ram smashed the front door to splinters
I was sure this would be one of my worst winters

Over my wrecked door walked one scary dude
I said “You could have knocked! This is very rude!”
He scowled “Shut up Clause, we are NSA
And we didn’t come to the North Pole to play
We’re here for the data that you have collected
To decide who is good and who is rejected
We’ve tried every trick, every known hacking caper
It’s 2013 who keeps data on paper?
Just turn over your info and we’ll gladly depart
And you can get on with being a Luddite old fart.”

I paused for a minute, not sure what to do
So he continued “You must know it’s true
We need all information about everyone
Every man, every woman and their 1 day old son
Our net has been cast incredibly wide,
But you shouldn’t be bothered if you’ve nothing to hide.

We know all the members of each social circle
We know who is shtupping Angela Merkel
We hacked World of Warcraft and follow each cookie
We know how much Rudolph owes to his bookie
And that Dancer and Prancer are partners for life
And that shitfaced elf Roy is banging your wife.
But, Santa, you know whose sleeping or if they’re awake
You know who is wholesome and whose on the take
It’s the one piece of data that we do not possess
That’s your naughty-nice list, so  give it here, Yes?”

I was now the maddest I’d been in my life
That little twerp Roy was doing my wife?
I bent over and said”Off is what you can piss
Because from my data you will get bubkes”

A sinister grin lit the g-man’s dark face
“OK, you asked for it, Boys trash the place”
His men went through every inch of my house,
Took every paper, fondled my spouse
As they left through the door, which now was quite breezy
He said “just get on the internet and make our job easy”
And Merry Christmas you fat piece of crap”
And just like that they were off like a snap.

For the first time in my life, Santa was pissed
A feeling my wife couldn’t have missed
“Now how will you know which kid gets what toy?
I said “Shut up and tell me about you and Roy!”

Well, there you have it.  Another uplifting holiday story.  Hope you have a Merry Xmas, and a most profitable Fiscal 2014!