Tuesday, December 16, 2008

MY ANNUAL XMAS POEM

It started about 13 years ago. For some reason I re-wrote "The Night Before Christmas" and emailed it to the few freinds who had email at the time. Now, well, so many people look forward to the uplifting messages in my poems, that I can't stop. So, last year I started this blog to share it with the world.

Hope you enjoy. And if you want to read a few older ones, scroll down a bit. I put up links to where you can read them.

A GREAT RECESSION CHRISTMAS

T’was the night before Christmas, I was sitting around
Wondering how much my investments were down
The market’s decline has shown no abatement
And I’m just too frightened to look at my statement
Those bank stocks I’d bought had dropped through the floor
Most of them just don’t exist anymore
Based on the size of my 401K.
I’ll be working until my last breathing day

The awful economy had got me to thinking
Why not invest in booze and take up hard drinking?
I went to the cupboard to pour me some Jack
When up on the roof I heard a loud whack
Something had landed with a great crash
I hoped nothing was broken ‘cause I had no cash
Then down the chimney and into the fire
Fell a familiar figure in weird red attire
A guy I’d not seen since I was a child
Yes it was Santa! Oh how I smiled.

But then I noticed he wasn’t the same
As the Jolly old guy who each Christmas came
His hat had turned brown, his coat badly worn
His toe poked though his boot where the leather had torn
Even worse than his clothes, it was so sad to see
Was a big giant frown where his laugh used to be
He looked worried and tired, his clothes all a’tatter
I said “Welcome Santa, is something the matter?”

Santa shook his white head and let out a sigh
I saw that his pants had ripped near the fly
He came over to me and gulped down my drink
“’Is something the matter?’ What the hell do you think?
I’m flying around, looking like this
Because this year at Christmas everything is amiss.
There’s no money for me to finance the toys
That all other years are for girls and boys
Who’ve been nice all year long, and thus are deserving
Because of the screw-ups of my Finance Elf Irving.
He put all our money in things that were risky
Hey, how ‘bout another glass of that whiskey?”

I poured him another, and he threw it right back
And pointed inside his empty toy sack
“I’m broke, downright busted” he said with a groan
“And there’s isn’t a bank that will give me a loan
I could go to Congress to seek funds from voters
But I’d look like those putzes at General Motors
Irving, that schmuck, put us deep in the hole
With a no-interest mortgage on the North Pole
But that’s not the worst of his many messes
He got us in something called “CDS’s”
And as bad a move as that one may seem
He lost all the remainder to a Ponzi scheme
And the wife keeps on asking ‘how is it he gotcha
In investments that clearly are so farkakte?’
But Irving insisted” he said with a frown
“They’re backed by real estate, they can’t go down”

Santa picked up the bottle and refilled his drink
“So this year, with the giving, it’s your turn, I think.
For years I’ve brought gifts to make folks feel great
It’s time for the people to reciprocate
So please write me a check” he said with a cough
“And my seven reindeer and I will be off”

I figured he’s kidding, it must be a goof
And what of the animal count on the roof?
“But Santa, your reindeer, I thought there were 8”
“I was hungry “he said “Blitzen sure did taste great
Now give me a loan, and up we’ll be going
I’d like to get south before it starts snowing”

He just stared at me and wiped off his snout
Santa’s come to me for a bailout?
“Santa, I’m sorry about your fiscal health
But you see, I’m pretty tapped out myself”

Santa glared “OK son, now take my advice
Don’t stiff the guy who knows if you’re naughty or nice
Who might be so desperate he would resort
To telling your boss about your expense report”

And in a flash, I did change my mind
“Santa let me help you out of this bind”
So I gave him a loan in a large amount
Used one of those checks from my Visa account
He grunted and turned, and then off he went
With money on which I’ll pay 20 percent.
He yelled from his sleigh, as his whip gave a crack
“Don’t hold your breath til I pay you back”

Yes folks, just like that, it happened so quick
A big Christmas shakedown from Good
Ol’ Saint Nick.


MERRY XMAS, HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAPPY CHANUKAH TO ALL

5 comments:

ClaireWalter said...

I have forwarded the URL to this (unfortunately) timely holiday poem to people who will surely appreciate it.

Merry and Happy to you too, and thanks for the smiler.

Anonymous said...

your best yet!

your loving sister

Megan said...

That was hilarious! I loved it and will share it with friends!

Anonymous said...

Glenn, As usual, your Christmas poem brings a wide smile to my face. Your long time friend (shouldn't we have run into eachother by now in Boulder?), Julie

Beanie said...

Another winner, thanks Glenn!