CIA Announces New Interrogation Techniques
Washington, DC The CIA announced today that it will permanently abandon the practice of “waterboarding” (although it does not admit to ever using it). According to an unnamed source in the intelligence community, the CIA instead will subject high value terror suspects to a far more painful situation. Henceforth, these prisoners will be forced to ride for days in the center seat on United Airlines flights during major holiday seasons. “Let them spend a few days going from O'Hare to DFW to Dulles with no break. If that doesn't make the bastards sing, nothing will” the source growled.
Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International have both protested the new methods as inhumane. “This is the most blatant example of torture since Torquemada. Why, the movies alone on those flights are responsible for hundreds of suicides each year.” said an Amnesty International press release.