2014 Annual Xmas Poem

A TOTALLY CONNECTED SOCIAL MEDIA XMAS

Twas three days after solstice, also Xmas eve

I was texting my friends that soon I would leave

To meet them for dinner, where we would gulp

Good food from a place with great ratings on Yelp

Of course we’d take pictures of our tasty chow

And post them on Instagram so you could say “Wow!”

I’d bought lots of presents, good gifts, no crappos

From Amazon, Crutchfield, and of course Zappos

My thoughts had been tweeted, my blog post was written

And I’d posted on Facebook everything that was fittin’

I gathered my phones and was ready to shift

Out the door to the car that was coming from Lyft

And just as I pulled on my new leather jacket

I heard past my earbuds an ungodly racket

In the street was a sight too strange to be true

A giant red sleigh pulled by eight caribou

And out of the sled two black boots hit the ground

Worn by a guy with a belly quite round

In a red suit and hat that I’d just have to mock

He must have bought it from Overstock.

And on his face was a bushy white beard.

Was this guy a hipster or was he just weird?

He bounded the stairs to my house awful quick,

A fat man so agile? It must be St. Nick!

(although, I must admit very starkly

I thought for a minute it could be Charles Barkley)

I opened the door and saw his great heft

Yes It was Santa. I said “WTF?”

“Season’s greetings young man” He said with a grin

“I brought you a gift. Can I come in?

And How ‘bout you increase the Xmas cheer

By bringing Kris Kringle a nice cold craft beer!”

My fridge is not full, I am no hoarder,

But I quickly brought Santa a barrel aged porter

“Santa” I said, “What a big thrill for me

To see you in person, I mean OMG

My friends will never believe this is true

You mind if I get a selfie with you?”

“No selfies!” said Santa, “Don’t be such a boob

And no video that you will put on Youtube,

And no hashtag Santa” said the bearded old Djin

“And no we will not connect on Linkedin”

“But Santa,” I cried “I know you are old

Perhaps you don’t get how your image is gold

I’d get lots of viewers, have lots of ad clicks

And make lots of money and get lots of chicks

With you in a photo my fame would be vast

Would you at least be on my podcast?”

Santa stopped smiling and adjusted his suit

And pulled back a foot with a giant black boot

And trust it forward right into my groin

To have that not happen I’d have paid a bitcoin.

“Stop will you please with this being connected

It’s a real stupid way of getting respected”

I writhed on the floor, trying to breath

Hoping that he would just up and leave

Then he pulled a package out of his sack

And landed it into my nuts with a smack

“Here is your gift, you stupid schnook

It’s just what you need: It is a book!”

I was now pretty sure I could not again pee

For this kind of pain there’s no emogi

“Merry Xmas” he said “And happy New Year”

Then in one motion, chugged the whole beer.

“Look at you on the floor, like you’re all beggy

You’ve really turned into a big fat shmegege”

Then he turned on his heels, but before he would go

He said “Ha, One more thing: LMFO!”

What a horrible Xmas, boy I was miffed

But at least the fat bastard left me a gift

Then and I opened it up, and what the heck

The damn book was written by that nutjob Glenn Beck!

So here’s wishing everyone Holiday cheer

While I hope that my nads will some day reappear.

There you go, another heartwarming Christmas tale.  Enjoy whatever it is you celebrate and be real groovy next year!