2013 Annual Xmas Poem, Again, Read by ME! (With stumbles, of course!)

It's that time again!  Time for another of my lame efforts to be amusing. This year's poem was actually told to me by Santa Claus himself.  Enjoy!

A Week Before Xmas At The North Pole

Twas a week before Xmas and Oh it was exciting

In just one more week I would be delighting

The good boys and girls in every nation

With toys and games and a brand new Playstation

The reindeer were binging so they’d have lots of fuel

To haul my fat ass round the world on the Yule

Mrs Claus was abuzz, busy cleaning my suit

And putting a shine on every black boot

At the toyshop the elves cared after each toy

Except for that lazy ass drunken elf Roy

I was updating my list of naughty and nice

noting every last act of goodness or vice

When just as I reached to pick up my quill

And downgrade to naughty that dirty slut Jill

I heard in the sky a tremendous roar

And saw a black SUV pull up outside my door

Then out jumped 4 guys in dark suits and sunglasses

It occurred to me they were here to harass us.

Our guests created a mighty commotion

That vibrated over the whole arctic ocean

The reindeer had scattered from the overhead copters

And Mrs. Claus spit out her brand new fake choppers

While those little wimp elves got all out of sorts

Each one had already shit in his shorts.

When a battering ram smashed the front door to splinters

I was sure this would be one of my worst winters

Over my wrecked door walked one scary dude

I said “You could have knocked! This is very rude!”

He scowled “Shut up Clause, we are NSA

And we didn’t come to the North Pole to play

We’re here for the data that you have collected

To decide who is good and who is rejected

We’ve tried every trick, every known hacking caper

It’s 2013 who keeps data on paper?

Just turn over your info and we’ll gladly depart

And you can get on with being a Luddite old fart.”

I paused for a minute, not sure what to do

So he continued “You must know it’s true

We need all information about everyone

Every man, every woman and their 1 day old son

Our net has been cast incredibly wide,

But you shouldn’t be bothered if you’ve nothing to hide.

We know all the members of each social circle

We know who is shtupping Angela Merkel

We hacked World of Warcraft and follow each cookie

We know how much Rudolph owes to his bookie

And that Dancer and Prancer are partners for life

And that shitfaced elf Roy is banging your wife.

But, Santa, you know whose sleeping or if they’re awake

You know who is wholesome and whose on the take

It’s the one piece of data that we do not possess

That’s your naughty-nice list, so  give it here, Yes?”

I was now the maddest I’d been in my life

That little twerp Roy was doing my wife?

I bent over and said”Off is what you can piss

Because from my data you will get bubkes”

A sinister grin lit the g-man’s dark face

“OK, you asked for it, Boys trash the place”

His men went through every inch of my house,

Took every paper, fondled my spouse

As they left through the door, which now was quite breezy

He said “just get on the internet and make our job easy”

And Merry Christmas you fat piece of crap”

And just like that they were off like a snap.

For the first time in my life, Santa was pissed

A feeling my wife couldn’t have missed

“Now how will you know which kid gets what toy?
I said “Shut up and tell me about you and Roy!”

Well, there you have it.  Another uplifting holiday story.  Hope you have a Merry Xmas, and a most profitable Fiscal 2014!