A TOTALLY CONNECTED SOCIAL MEDIA XMAS
Twas three days after solstice, also
Xmas eve
I was texting my friends that soon I
would leave
To meet them for dinner, where we
would gulp
Good food from a place with great
ratings on Yelp
Of course we’d take pictures of our tasty
chow
And post them on Instagram so you
could say “Wow!”
I’d bought lots of presents, good
gifts, no crappos
From Amazon, Crutchfield, and of
course Zappos
My thoughts had been tweeted, my blog
post was written
And I’d posted on Facebook everything
that was fittin’
I gathered my phones and was ready to
shift
Out the door to the car that was
coming from Lyft
And just as I pulled on my new
leather jacket
I heard past my earbuds an ungodly racket
In the street was a sight too strange
to be true
A giant red sleigh pulled by eight
caribou
And out of the sled two black boots
hit the ground
Worn by a guy with a belly quite round
In a red suit and hat that I’d just
have to mock
He must have bought it from
Overstock.
And on his face was a bushy white
beard.
Was this guy a hipster or was he just
weird?
He bounded the stairs to my house
awful quick,
A fat man so agile? It must be St.
Nick!
(although, I must admit very starkly
I thought for a minute it could be
Charles Barkley)
I opened the door and saw his great
heft
Yes It was Santa. I said “WTF?”
“Season’s
greetings young man” He said with a grin
“I brought you a gift. Can
I come in?
And How ‘bout you increase
the Xmas cheer
By bringing Kris Kringle a
nice cold craft beer!”
My fridge is not full, I am no
hoarder,
But I quickly brought Santa a barrel
aged porter
“Santa” I said, “What a big thrill
for me
To see you in person, I mean OMG
My friends will never believe this is
true
You mind if I get a selfie with you?”
“No selfies!”
said Santa, “Don’t be such a boob
And no video that you will
put on Youtube,
And no hashtag Santa” said
the bearded old Djin
“And no we will not connect
on Linkedin”
“But Santa,” I cried “I know you are
old
Perhaps you don’t get how your image
is gold
I’d get lots of viewers, have lots of
ad clicks
And make lots of money and get lots
of chicks
With you in a photo my fame would be
vast
Would you at least be on my podcast?”
Santa stopped smiling and adjusted
his suit
And pulled back a foot with a giant
black boot
And trust it forward right into my
groin
To have that not happen I’d have paid
a bitcoin.
“Stop will you please with
this being connected
It’s a real stupid way of
getting respected”
I writhed on the floor, trying to
breath
Hoping that he would just up and
leave
Then he pulled a package out of his
sack
And landed it into my nuts with a
smack
“Here is your gift, you
stupid schnook
It’s just what you need: It
is a book!”
I was now pretty sure I could not
again pee
For this kind of pain there’s no
emogi
“Merry Xmas”
he said “And happy New Year”
Then in one motion, chugged the whole
beer.
“Look at you
on the floor, like you’re all beggy
You’ve really turned into a
big fat shmegege”
Then he turned on his heels, but
before he would go
He said “Ha,
One more thing: LMFO!”
What a horrible Xmas, boy I was
miffed
But at least the fat bastard left me
a gift
Then and I opened it up, and what the
heck
The damn book was written by that
nutjob Glenn Beck!
So here’s wishing everyone Holiday
cheer
While I hope that my nads will some
day reappear.
There you go, another heartwarming Christmas tale. Enjoy whatever it is you celebrate and be real groovy next year!
