It's that time again! Time for another of my lame efforts to be amusing. This year's poem was actually told to me by Santa Claus himself. Enjoy!
A Week Before Xmas At The North Pole
Twas a week before Xmas and Oh it was
exciting
In just one more week I would be
delighting
The good boys and girls in every
nation
With toys and games and a brand new
Playstation
The reindeer were binging so they’d
have lots of fuel
To haul my fat ass round the world on
the Yule
Mrs Claus was abuzz, busy cleaning my
suit
And putting a shine on every black
boot
At the toyshop the elves cared after
each toy
Except for that lazy ass drunken elf
Roy
I was updating my list of naughty and
nice
noting every last act of goodness or
vice
When just as I reached to pick up my
quill
And downgrade to naughty that dirty
slut Jill
I heard in the sky a tremendous roar
And saw a black SUV pull up outside
my door
Then out jumped 4 guys in dark suits
and sunglasses
It occurred to me they were here to
harass us.
Our guests created a mighty commotion
That vibrated over the whole arctic
ocean
The reindeer had scattered from the
overhead copters
And Mrs. Claus spit out her brand new
fake choppers
While those little wimp elves got all
out of sorts
Each one had already shit in his
shorts.
When a battering ram smashed the
front door to splinters
I was sure this would be one of my
worst winters
Over my wrecked door walked one scary
dude
I said “You could have knocked! This
is very rude!”
He scowled “Shut up Clause, we are
NSA
And we didn’t come to the North Pole
to play
We’re here for the data that you have
collected
To decide who is good and who is
rejected
We’ve tried every trick, every known
hacking caper
It’s 2013 who keeps data on paper?
Just turn over your info and we’ll
gladly depart
And you can get on with being a
Luddite old fart.”
I paused for a minute, not sure what
to do
So he continued “You must know it’s
true
We need all information about
everyone
Every man, every woman and their 1
day old son
Our net has been cast incredibly
wide,
But you shouldn’t be bothered if
you’ve nothing to hide.
We know all the members of each
social circle
We know who is shtupping Angela
Merkel
We hacked World of Warcraft and
follow each cookie
We know how much Rudolph owes to his
bookie
And that Dancer and Prancer are
partners for life
And that shitfaced elf Roy is banging
your wife.
But, Santa, you know whose sleeping
or if they’re awake
You know who is wholesome and whose
on the take
It’s the one piece of data that we do
not possess
That’s your naughty-nice list,
so give it here, Yes?”
I was now the maddest I’d been in my
life
That little twerp Roy was doing my
wife?
I bent over and said”Off is what you
can piss
Because from my data you will get
bubkes”
A sinister grin lit the g-man’s dark
face
“OK, you asked for it, Boys trash the
place”
His men went through every inch of my
house,
Took every paper, fondled my spouse
As they left through the door, which
now was quite breezy
He said “just get on the internet and
make our job easy”
And Merry Christmas you fat piece of
crap”
And just like that they were off like
a snap.
For the first time in my life, Santa
was pissed
A feeling my wife couldn’t have
missed
“Now how will you know which kid gets
what toy?
I said “Shut up and tell me about you and Roy!”
I said “Shut up and tell me about you and Roy!”
Well, there you have it. Another uplifting holiday story. Hope you have a Merry Xmas, and a most profitable Fiscal 2014!
