So they keep moving the last day of school back a few days every year, and I now teach 4 classes a semester, and .......oh, enough with the excuses. I had trouble getting this one together. Hope you enjoy it anyway.
“THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS”....as told by someone named Rudolph
Twas the night before Xmas in my dull little town
By the chimney I waited for him to come down
I watched out the window in hope I'd be spotting
The arrival for which so long I'd been plotting
The outfit I wore was designed to be right
To give me success on this fateful night
And nearby and ready I'd laid out my gear
Expecting St. Nicholas soon would be here.
When what in the sky as I'd hoped, should I spy
But 8 smelly reindeer and one big fat guy
Coming with toys on his annual gig
That all over the world had made his name big
But this year Santa's would not be the sole name
That on this night would have worldwide fame
I'd been working for months on my cunning plan
To become as well know as the jolly fat man.
In a flash there came from the chimney a boom
And there was old Santa, right in my room
With his silly red suit, black boots and big gut
He laughed like he was some kind of nut
But his laugh stopped abruptly though his ZZ Top beard
When he got sight of what for him I'd prepared.
My furry brown suit and and well crafted rack
of antlers had seemed to take him aback
His look told me clearly that surprised Santa was
He pointed and said “What is this mishegas?”
I replied “Welcome Santa, glad you are here
For you're giving me a really great gift this year
I'm wearing this suit instead of my pants
because I'll be flying with your ruminants
I've glued this red light on to my nose
To guide you tonight as off your sled goes
this may sound like a crazy way to behave
But to me it will bring the renown I so crave
I'm one of those folks who'll do stuff that should shame us
All in the hope of becoming famous”
Santa just shook his head “Oy, what a putz,
the third time tonight I've had one of you nuts
willing to do something amazingly dumb
Thinking that his chance at fame will now come.
Maybe I'm backward, but I still believe
In getting acclaim for what you achieve
I said “You don't understand, I'm sad as can be
I have yet to secure my own show on TV
Sure I have no talent, but that doesn't tame
My need to attain a great level of fame
And as for talent, well there is no need
when I can get by on chutzpah and greed.
For look at the people around who have shown
You can be famous for being well known
So fame I shall have, just wait and see
I'll be on “Extra” and “TMZ”
My flying with you surely will bring me
A reality show on Bravo or E
Or maybe a talk show, cuz, what the heck
You don't need to be smart, just look at Glenn Beck
No I have no skills, I can't dance or sing
But by Monday I will be guesting on Larry King.”
Santa shook his white head and said “Tish Tish tish
Is this for Christmas what you really wish?”
And he reached in his bag for a pipe made of lead
And with one mighty swing, cracked open my head.
His face filled with rage as I fell to the floor
“I won't help you become a media whore”
And he picked up his foot and I thought “Egads”
As his black boot came crushing down on my nads
“You have no talent but lots of nerve
So you just got for Christmas what you deserve
Balloon Boy, the gatecrashers and Joe the Plumber
And all of the ilk who are even dumber
Have made you believe fame and the big buck
Can be gotten by folks who at everything suck
If you think being famous is really the goods
Think about all that it brought to old Tiger Woods”.
As his sled rose away while I lay there in pain
He yelled “maybe next year I should bring you a brain!”.
Oh, my failure with Santa may to you seem funny
But wait til you see me with the Easter Bunny.
Merry Christmas, or Whatever, to all, and may you not spend your holidays sleeping on a bench in an airport like I did last year.