2018 Xmas Poem, as read by Orson Wells

2018 Xmas Poem, for those who can read

A DAMP XMAS AT THE NORTH POLE (as told by Phineas J. Elf)

Twas the night before XMas, things are not looking good

As I cling desperately  to a small piece of wood

We’d worked all year long to make wonderful toys

So Santa could give them to good girls and boys

But now all the toys that we had created

Were floating around us, all saturated

The ice on which our workshop should be

Had melted this year and turned into a sea.

Now Santa has nothing to load in his sleigh

No toys to deliver on this Xmas day.

The weather was warmer than ever before

Because so many folks thought it wise to ignore

Warnings from scientists for so many years

That their behavior would soon lead to tears

They called it alarmist, they thought it funny

They thought it was stupid to spend any money

To keep the world temps from rising so high

That the glaciers would melt and the forests would fry

Now the oceans are rising and the pole ice is gone

But you won’t hear those assholes say they were wrong

Santa Claus was unworried, we all heard him laugh

As his wife floated by on a pink rubber raft

Enjoying the warmth in a yellow bikini

With a huge smile and a bigger martini

And then we saw something that was truly not neeto

When Santa appeared in his tiny red speedo

And over his suit flopped a great big hunk

Of his belly fat so you can’t see his junk

His red suit and hat he seemed happy to doff

So he could enjoy this Xmas off.

“Screw them!” he said “this must be what they wanted

When they ignored science and instead flaunted

Their big fancy cars that burned fossil fuels.

No Xmas for them, the dumb fucking tools.

If Those putzes like Trump are so in love with coal

Then I’ll just relax here at the North Pole”

That was all fine for Santa, he was afloat

He had his nice raft,and we’d built him a boat

But for us elves this was quite a jam

Because we are short and none of us swam

And the jobs on which for years we’ve depended

They were gone now, our lives were upended

“Hey fellas,’ said Santa” your work is completed

Without a North Pole, you’re no longer needed

So just float towards land and live out your days

From what you have saved in your 401Ks.

You won’t see me singing the holiday blues

I’m spending this Xmas on a Greek Island cruise

By the way, have you seen Rudolph around”

“No” I replied” all the reindeer have drowned”.

And so we’re afloat, with nowhere to go

Because there’s no polar ice, and no winter snow

We’ll have to make lives wherever we land

Maybe it will be LA and we can start a band

But one thing is certain, on thing is clear

You’ll have a hot Xmas and a sizzling New Year.