My Annual Xmas Poem

It's that time again, time for me to offend old friends and new with my annual Xmas poem.  Last year's poem was written from my perspective.  This year it is not, as you will be able to tell by the brand of beer the narrator has in his fridge.

An Idiots Xmas

Twas the night before Xmas, I was in a bad mood

For my house was quite empty, no TV, no food

No tables nor chairs for resting my bum

I’d gone and done something that’s clearly quite dumb

12/21 should have been the last day

For people on earth to work and to play

Now this year my Xmas will be pretty rough

Cuz I’ve given away all of my stuff.

I’m living on Budwieser, ramen and Chickletts

Investing what I have left in lottery tickets.

I was bumming about the big Mayan lie

When I saw something strange up in the sky

Then on my roof I heard a loud boom

And down through the chimney and into my room

Crashed a guy I believed in with never a pause

There on my carpet stood old Santa Claus

With red suit, black boots, white beard and all

He looked just like when I’d met him down at the Mall

I said “ Santa, I’m so glad to see you this year”

He said “Shut up schmuck, do you have any beer?”

I went to the fridge and grabbed a Bud Light

And gave it to Santa, full of delight

He looked at the can and shook his white head

“You call this a beer?  God your brain is dead!”

He sat on the floor, and took a big drink

I hoped he would give me a friendly wink

But instead he said “Look, kid, I’m visiting you

Cuz you must stop believing stuff that’s not true

Not just the crap from some crazy Mayan

But all the mechegas that you’ve been buyin’.

You bought the predictions of Harold Camping

And in seach of Sasquatch you’ve been out tramping

You visited Scotland to look for Loch Ness

And Homeopathy’s made your health a mess.

You believe in astrology and ESP too

And alien autopsies at Area 52

And that the earth is 6000 years old

You accept any crazy shit that you are told!

I slumped on the floor and let out a sigh

I had to respond to the big jolly guy

“But Santa,” I said, “I’m sure there is proof

There is stuff on the internet that shows the truth

Of witches and ghosts and reincarnation

And that Obama was born in some other nation

And that antioxidents can cure all ones ills

And there’ll be a Super Bowl for the Buffalo Bills”

Santa finished his beer and looked down at the floor

I hoped he was done, but no, he had more

“I can only assume your brain has been hacked

You can’t tell a rumor apart from a fact

You invested with Madoff, you stupid chump

And believed stuff you heard from Donald Trump

You think folks can fly like in the comics

You even believe supply side economics

Your lack of good sense I find quite vexin’

Why, you’re so stupid you could be a Texan!”

I was so sad to see that Santa was pissed

I said “Perhaps you’re right, some things I have missed

 but like most Americans, I’m dumb as a stick

Real or counterfeit, how do you pick?”

“Science” said Santa “Would be a good start

And think with your brain, and not with your heart

It you can’t prove it’s true, then give it a pass

Try taking your head out of your ass

Do research and make sure the pieces all fit

Because the world is full of bullshit

Here’s my one wish for this holiday season

Give yourself over to knowledge and reason

And now here’s something you might find funny

there really, for sure, is an Easter Bunny!”

Then Santa stood up and gave a big clap

Reached out his hand and gave me a dope slap

And he was gone before I could retort

So I just sat down to read The Drudge Report.

OH, one more thing, I’ve left a loose flag

Yes, Jeff Pliskin, Paul Ryan’s a douchebag!

Well, there it is, always inspirational.  Hope you enjoy your Solstice, Xmas, Hannukah, Kwanza or whatever, and may your New Year be awesomely groovy.