A SECULAR XMAS
Twas the night before Xmas and I was kvetching
It’s the time of year when my values are stretching
I’d bought all these presents that I was to wrap
When I knew that this holiday was a bunch of crap
The halls had all been decked out with holly
To honor a story that was nothing but folly
There’d be joy and drinking and lots of mirth
Because of some nonsense about a virgin birth.
Just as I was stuffing a secular stocking
I heard on my door a rather loud knocking
I opened the portal only to see
A fellow you would not think would visit me
He had a white beard that looked really fine
And a gut that was even bigger than mine
And black boots on whose shine he did not skimp
And a red velvet suit like you’d see on a pimp
He stood in the doorway grinning a grin
And said “It’s cold out here, can I come in?”
I invited him in, and was amazed
When to my fridge a path he did blaze
And from it what did Santa pull out
But 2 bottles of a locally brewed stout
He popped off the caps and handed me one
Sat on the couch and said “What’s up son”
“Well Santa” I said “I’m feeling some grief
About this season based on a silly belief
The story of Xmas is surely not true
It makes far more sense to believe in you
For at least every Xmas you’re down at the mall
And unlike God, you’ve been seen by all
One would have to be mentally lazy
To believe a story that is so outright crazy
About mangers and wise men and stars in the sky
To dream that all up someone had to be high
And how could you buy it unless you’re a loon
It’s a fact that Jesus was born in June”
Santa took a big gulp and let out a sigh
“Well I notice that many nice gifts you did buy
And although you are someone who does not believe
You’ll be drinking at Friday’s on Xmas eve
And fly across country in a plane packed with others
To spend another 6 days at your mother’s”
I just laughed and said “Man, you old fox
You know I am stuck in this paradox
For while I am surely an atheist
It would be awful if Xmas was missed
Cause I like this holiday, you can say that
The lights and the music and your red hat
And how people behave in a friendly way
And movies with Bing and Danny Kaye
Or a kid who wants a bb gun
And opening presents surely is fun
And bowls full of eggnog in which you could drown
And xmas cd’s by Ray Charles and James Brown
Yes, I can say it would please me to pieces
If we could have xmas without mentioning Jesus”
Santa finished his beer and said “You’re not nuts
To deny xmas is fun you would be such a putz
Go ahead and relax and enjoy this fun season
And leave the religion to those who don’t reason
Let me leave you with this fore I hop in my sled
It’s a thought you should always keep in your head
You’ll hear it from me or the Easter Bunny
Religious holidays are all about money!”
He then gave me a chocolate wrapped up in gold
And just like that headed out in the cold.
And so ,Every Xmas, wherever you roam
You’ll encounter nice folks who don’t by the tome
About Jesus and God and dudes who brought Myrrh
And that Mary gave birth but Joe didn’t schtupp her
They give gifts and watch videos of the Yule Log
Sing carols and laugh and drink Egg Nog
That this holiday is for everyone surely’s not news
The Christians, the Athiests, and even the Jews
Though my idea of Xmas you might find crass
At least I don’t have to attend midnight mass!
MERRY WHATEVER AND HAPPY SOMETHING OR OTHER!
